Like a surprise gift Ken doll

After waking up on a sofa at 12 in the afternoon I felt the ever growing pain of a hangover. The type of hangover you get when you start drinking a bottle of JD each at 2pm followed by champagne and then wine till the early hours of 7am. It was then I awoke to see the T.V on and it being on the Free digital channel Really, which I'd never watched before but in this state of stillness and trying to remember ,'how I got here', I laid and watched in strewing anger at what I saw. Really states that it has "all the best reality TV programmes for woman" which after watching a few I found that woman really have no real idea of what reality is.
First of all I was lucky enough to view a the final episode of a show called 'Tough Love" which is hosted by a man named Steve Ward, whose voice makes him sound like A 17 year old boy trapped in A time loop from the 1970's. He tries to tame theses 'wild' ladies who just can't seem to get the long term man they are looking for. Mainly because they are either a massive slut or because they are so shy they are harder to find in a nightclub than a good song. As I said I saw the end of the series where they are all dress to kill and being told about their man who has been chosen for them. Who then comes out like a surprise gift Ken doll and they choose whether or not to give them A commitment ring that have on A necklace. They all do apart from one and then the tears are sherd apart from Steve, who is waiting for puberty to kick in so he can release fluids and have emotions.
The next show to grace my eyes was the monster named Bridezillas. Where woman who let's say have a bit of a temper get mad when things don't go right for there 'perfect day'. You guessed it, they go wrong, A lot. You may think giant things like the earth exploding or the groom being eating alive by the gocompare man but no it's more like the suits don't have mango coloured ties or that the Bride is unhappy that everyone at the meal isn't singing and dancing round her like the goddess she is. This show made me physically sick (which wasn't hard in the state of hungover I was in). All it did was make the idea of A wedding look like it is more meaningful than anything else in a girls life and that if one thing goes wrong then you will never be happy with the man you love so you might as well give up and smash A few buildings with your monster hands.
The last show I saw was A show I'd seen years ago but had forgotten about (which I find hard when you see the host). 10 Years younger, a show that takes woman who look like they've lived there lives in the back of A dirt field, dragging there faces through glasses everyday since day one and then takes them into the street to poked and laughed at by others for not being pretty like they should. The host Nicky Hambleton-Jones looks stunning which makes even the most normal looking person next to her look like a goblins entrails. So no wonder she can give advice on how to look good, look at her. The question is never really asked which is, are you happy? But who cares, cut them up and make them look pretty. Happiness isn't skin deep it's all about looking great. That why I cry at night because my body is the same as a hairy potato. Oh Nicky, help me....
This then got me thinking about how different forms of media are made for all different kinds of moods and people. The amount of times me and my mates have stumbled in after consuming enough alcohol to bring down an elephant. We then flick on the T.V and spends hours and hours watching Jackass (MTV). A show where a bunch of men inflict more pain on their male parts than a transsexual. But on the scale are the stoner comedy's where you just sit, laugh and forget why. Very much like a night out with Pete Doherty expect you are most likely not to end up in jail.
Then their are the daytime put down shows such as Jeremy Kyle or the over dramatized U.S.A. version named Maury. These shows aimed at the jobless and student life style where people need a pick up in there boring lives and this helps. Trust me, seeing a bunch of useless waste of spacers screw their lives up better than any episode of Eastenders (BBC) makes your life feel so uplifting.
But as I covered in last weeks blog about how the reality show format can be bad, really bad. So bad they can kill. Well maybe not but they definitely make me want to kill some of the people in them. Anyway the fame hungry animal cruelty show that is I'm a Celebrity get me out of here is back and it is as pointless as ever. Now I have no idea who this show is aimed at but whoever they are they probably are the same people who cheer when a plate is smashed in a restaurant or think Katie Price is an icon for them and there daughters. But while at a friends someone switched it over and I saw someone from the only way is Essex eating pig anus and then Freddy star lovingly swallow turkey balls I just couldn't see the appeal of sure a used toilet paper style of a show. It even shocks me when the Z-listers in their still are surprised when told to do these things as if it's the first show rather than the last drop of the already shit filled barrel.

NO T.v, NO! That's a bad T.V

Sometimes a T.V needs telling off, especially if you were to look at most of the shows leaking out of the television like a streaming pile of poo from a dog whose just discovered Indian take-away. What happened to some of the great shows like West Wing, 24, Luther, Life on Mars or anything with Sir David Attenborough in it. Luckily some of these shows are out there but they are harder to find than an honest M.P!
First, let's start with some REALLY BAD T.V. Realty show's appeared at end of the 90's and seemed like this revolutionary idea where we could learn more about the human mind and how we behave in many different situations. But 10 years on this idea has fizzled out. Not so much has it dried out the realty T.V pool of ideas but its digging into the core of the earth and burning itself with every step.
Let's start with an old flame Big Brother (FIVE). After the 10 years on channel 4 adding more and more 'characters' over the years to the house. We were all glad to see it go and bow it;s head knowing that somewhere (the first few seasons) it may have been a useful and entertaining piece of T.V. But, it came back from the dead like an unwanted pet and this time on channel five. Adding more X-factor style shocked titles and gloomy looking twats that you wouldn't even open the door for if they were on fire and you really needed a piss.
Then theirs the whole array of programs where we follow the lives of people who do nothing and are meant to care when something bad happens like one of them hurts someone or they all burn in a house fire while tanning their useless 'human' bodies. I'm of course talking about show such as 'The only way is Essex' (ITV), 'Made in Chelsea' (E4) and "Georgie Shore' (MTV), which all follow around a group of plastic, pumped up tarts whose main dialogue revolves around mainly five words. I recommend trying The Only way Is Essex bingo, where you write down 10 words you think will be in the show and shout out bingo when you get a line. As they only speak around 8 different words a show it can take a while for newcomers using words like 'hello', 'pleasant' or 'thank you'.
Of course there are many other shocking reality shows and I could go on for an age talking about the X-factors and Strictly Come Dancing and such but its all the same old plop just with different fame seekers and each show gets lower brow and more rubbish. So instead lets talk about some good shows gracing our screens at the moment.
After being ranted at on and on by my friends I finally got round to watching the first season of The Walking Dead (FX) and I was not disappointed and just in time for season 2 which kick off with a bang. Not giving to much away it starts where it left off questioning the meaning of humanity and the elements that people go to for each other and to survive. If you've not seen it then get season one on DVD its worth a watch. It shows what a real zombie film could be with real heart and imagination added real life situations and squashing them together to absorb you into its world.
Another great show of course is Sir David Attenborough's 'Frozen Planet' on BBC 1. As with all of his shows it is full of beauty cinematography, unbelievable shot of animals and nature and the best voice over ever known to a documentary. If you are a fan of any of Attenborough's work then this will as all always fulfill your Attenborough needs. For those who have never seen any of his work get on this now it is pure joy and a real eye opener to the beautiful world around you. Makes you think that not everything in the world is unintellectual bag of dog poo. The only way is Attenborough.

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He can't kick me out, I have rights

With society slowly falling apart like a game of KerPlunk, it's no surprise that the country is messed up. With riots every week, jobs being harder to find than a golden ticket for Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and kid's having the Big Brother housemates as people to look up too then it's no wonder we've got here. In fact, we are lucky we don't live in a "Children of Men" style world but i guess time will tell.
It seems we are already heading this way if you were to look at the travelers camped up in Dale Farm in Essex. As with most travelers, they don't seem to move anywhere, which kind of defeats the point doesn't it? Anyway, these journeyers are taking land, water, power and anything else that isn't theirs and are refusing to move. Well we would like a free ride. Hell, I'd love to steal electrically and water and blame society that it owes me, but that's not the case.
But never mind what you think as the courts have given them more time. One 'local' said they would stay for 30 years. So the lesson I've learned here is that if you break the law for long enough you get what you want. Which is good because when my neighbor is out I'm going to blast into his house and set up home. He can't kick me out, I have rights.
On a different topic, the greatest war based bug fighting game is back. NO it's not the counsel verses the travelers, it's Gears of War 3, a game that is a mix of every action movie with a hint of steroids and Micheal Bay special effects. It is outstanding. I per-ordered the super-duper-trooper geek edition with my hard earned money and my geek senses were not displeased. Apart from hanging around the house like a hermit, afraid to move from the window in case the pastel came waiting till 3:45pm when it finally arrived, I was overjoyed with the whole package. It was better than I thought. I felt like Bambi after her mother had been shot but when it showed up it was like I had a new mum and she was better than the last.
The online game play has greatly increased from the first two games. It's fast paced, easy to move around and after a few match's you start to learn your way around the maps, popping up and down like an army general playing whack-a-mole.
With all the cheesy lines and hard core weapons this game never seems to stop pleasing me. With new content coming next month and special events happening every other weekend this game never gets dole. Unlike the grubs, I mean travelers. Maybe we can attack them with lancers and flamethrowers to try and drive them out. DIE GRUBS!!!

If my memory is what i remember

Recently I have become the age of 25 and I have finally realized how important memory really is too us human folks. After waking up Sunday morning with a hangover that made me feel like I had to be a clone from invasion of the body snatchers, I tried to piece together my night, where I consumed enough alcohol to impale an elephant for the rest of the year. With the little flickers of memory that appeared it started to make me think about memory and how it shapes the course of our lives.
First of all memory really shapes us with who we are and what we believe. If we didn't remember these things we probably wouldn't have opinions and anger towards others if we didn't remember all the horrible things they did to us like eat the last rolo. The bastard!
Before the mass drinking event I was shown a website called icheckmovies.com where you sign up and check all the films you've seen. Now this requires alot of memory usage but as you know trying to remember when and where you may have seen something is very hard to do especially if alcohol is involved. Which it normally always is. So i started to ponder other such things.
If my memory is what i remember, a few blogs ago I posted that The Sun had printed front page headlines that nurse Rebecca Leighton was a murderer even though she was in trail and yet to be convicted. Well blow my socks she has been let go as there is not enough evidence to hold her but, of course, that doesn't matter to the public because they have read enough crap from the sun to already state she is a cold blooded murderer. Weather or not she did it isn't the point, the point is The Sun should say sorry but I bet their memory isn't as good as mine.
Another hammered memory is where were you when global events took place. As you are all aware it has just been the 10 year anniversary of the tragic day that is 9/11 (or to the rest of the world 11/9). With these kind of events you are always able to remember where you were when they happened. Like the death of Diana or when Jif became Cif. I remember i was walking home from school with friends and we went into my friends house and his mum said you have to see this. At the time I had no idea what was really going on being 14, but as days went by it really hit me how big of an event it was. But there is always one question no one asks, why?
Whenever anything happens, BP oil spill, 9/11 or cinemas having 3D no one ever asks why these events happened just whose to blame. Maybe if we looked at why 9/11 happened, rather than who did it and killing them, we could stop it from ever happening again. But maybe they just forgot this when they were blowing up pieces of land for oil.....

@Pippy_Pipatron

OH MY GOD if we NEVER MISS A BEAT then EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU LESS AND LESS....

Well it looks like we should be bending over backwards to the band the Kaiser Chiefs as it seems they were right. Look out Nostradmus because they predicted a riot and that's what we got. As August began and the sun poked his head out from the clouds it seemed the a new fresh summer was being born. Little did we know that the heat this year would not be from Mr.Sun rather the burning cars and homes in London.
On the 4th of August Mark Duggan died after being shot by Metropolitan Police Service firearms officers. In response to this a peaceful protest was held on the 6th outside a police station in Tottenham asking that a senior police officer speak to them. Being dissatisfied with not being able to get one they stayed longer and at about dusk a younger and more aggressive crowd turned up, some with weapons. This is when the idiots turned up.
Now the protest for justice in itself is fine especially as they were doing it in an adult and grown up fashion but as always with these ideas people use them as a reason to destroy things and steal goods from what they call 'the rich'.
Now i don't know about you, when a shop and set of flats in one of London's more poorer areas is burned down i just can't help thinking "yeah get them rich buggers and there carpet shop" (of course I'm being sarcastic). Then attacking the firefighters who were putting out the blaze you made because that will should the rich whose boss won't it? If anything these thugs have made Mark's case disappear as the rest of the media focus on their child like behavior. Remember what the riots did for the students?
As cars burned and shops were looted over the 5 days of what two 17 year old girls called "fun" people began to get very angry at the rioters as all it was doing was closing business's, making it harder to get into to London and most of all cancelling football for people like me who like it! You'd think most of the people in the riots would be pissed off they'd cancelled there own football games so they'd have nowhere to mong about and drink there beer belly's into some sort of black hole of stupidity.
What the looters seem to think is by taking TV's and DVD's they are somehow getting something back from the system they refuse to work in. Well remember those taxes we pay they will now be needed to repair the damage you fools made so thanks for that you blind small weenie monkeys.
The fact the riots spread to Manchester and Birmingham show you that these people couldn't care less about Mark Duggan and just want to make sure they can get some good shit before anyone else does.
But what do I know maybe we should be checking out more songs by the new foreseers of the future so OH MY GOD if we NEVER MISS A BEAT then EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU LESS AND LESS....

Phone a baby and find out he killed JFK

America, the land of the free and home of the brave. The outlandish fun land of big food,giant storms and hard hitting police dramas. If you haven't caught any of the USA style cop shows that repeat themselves more than Bob Geldof goes on about saving Africa then get out from under that rock and use it to beat yourself to death.
CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: Vegas, CSI: Essex, NCIS, NCIS 2 return of the Navy and so on. Are Americas newest style of police drama where everything can be solved through D.N.A and long drawn out pauses to build tension.
But don't think America are the kings of the cop show, for over here in the cloudy depths of England we have been bashing out more great shows than UK Gold can show in a week. My favorite show of the year so far is the hard hitting police drama Luther (BBC1) starring Idris Elba as the John Luther. A cop that will do whatever it is to make sure justice is done. I caught an episode of season 2 as was intensity drawn in by the tension of the villains and even the cops among themselves. I straight away went out and bought the first season and watched in on one glorious day and it was a day well spent.
From the word go you see the Luther doesn't take no for an answer and will get to the bottom of every problem even if it means getting dirty. The show starts with a brutal murder where only the daughter is left alive and from the off Luther knows something is wrong. Now i don't want to spoil anything but I will say that the twists and turns of this episode are so brilliantly played out it will have you dreaming for more.
Rather than using loads of high tech gadgets like the American style shows Luther uses basic good old police work and down to earth questions. He may have a mobile phone but other than using it to call for back up or be harassed by villains he stays pretty much on earth unlike CSI where they would use it to take a photo of some blood, send it to the moon where it they'd find out it's the same blood used to make baby's cry. After which they'd phone a baby and find out he killed JFK.
John Luther is a cop destroying his own life to help make the world a better place. He is something of a dark horse but yet a hero. If only cops like John Luther were real then we could send them into the riots to kick some ass!
On a more negative note on the great side of British Television. Big Brother is back but this time on Channel 5 or FIVE as it likes to be known. Luckily for us it starts with a celebratory version of Z list people who are famous for being in shows like Big Brother in the first place. It's like a really bad recycling scheme where you get shit and make it into fresher shit. I'm sure it will be as fun and exciting as the last 9 seasons (the first was actually interesting as it was a new and fresh format) with people sitting around shouting, getting naked and lots of birds chirping while they chat about interesting things like how they had there face made in China for $500. Now the repeats of CSI don't seem like such a bad idea.

THE SUN CAN FUCK OFF!

THE SUN CAN FUCK OFF! This may seem like a bit of a bad move to start an article this way about one of the biggest papers in the country. But after watching it's sister paper collapse like a retired prev locked in a cardboard I feel that anything as sadistic as The Sun can be shoved up against a wall and await the firing squad.
What now you may ask? Well the phone hackers brother who wouldn't print the name of a footballer who fiddled with a Big Brother star has printed a front page story about Nurse Rebecca Leighton. At the time of writing this Miss Leighton has been detained under suspicions of murder of five of her patients. Now remember the key words here 'detained under suspicion'. This doesn't mean that she killed them all in cold blood but she is being questioned. Unless of course you are The Sun where they have already slapped her with the Harold Shipman brush and thrown her into the public stools.
Using any photo from her Facebook page of her partying or drinking The Sun then amuses she is wild and any Facebook Status where she states she hate 14 hour night shifts which must mean she kills old people for fun.
The News of the World were also big followers of this but now Rebekah Brooks is being questioned in jail about the phone hacking scandals its funny how you don't see The Sun printing a similar story about her and how she is an evil murdering bastard. They didn't even do any pie related jokes on Murdock after he was battered in the face with a large cream one. But don't worry because he knew nothing about where any of the phone hacking stories. He never once wondered how they got their information he published in his papers. Probably thought it was the gods handing it down in a bid to bring him closer to the light.
They also were being questioned over claims that they hacked former Prime Minster Gordon Brown family medical records about his son. But the next day the front page headline was "BROWN WRONG" claiming he is lying and he gave them the information which of course is true because we'd all want a national paper to print in depth detail about are family members terminal illness's.
This is infact a common Sun practice to throw away the law of innocent until proven guilty. The way they see it is your born a killer much like Raoul Moat, who shot and killed people in Newcastle, where they published pictures of him as a baby with clenched fists with the tag line "Nine months old Raoul Moat's, his fists are already curled with rage"
They should just start showing pictures of Hitlers embryos and show how even before conception he was already drifting to the right. I'm not saying these people haven't done wrong and shouldn't be made fun of but to state that the occasional binge drinking of someone who hasn't even been proven guilty doesn't make them a murderer otherwise I'd better start learning how to hide bodies. Then in the center of the paper have up-skirt shots of drunk celebrities while pointing and laughing at how much fun it is too see drunk famous woman.
Oh sorry where was I? Oh Yeah. Fuck Off The Sun...

Reality T.V. seems to never die

This Post is a few weeks old but I've been meaning to post it up so here it is:

Isn't human life precious? NO! Have you not seen Britain's Got Talent (ITV). A show where a bunch of hum drum idiots sell their souls to a panel of gargoyles in order to be prepackaged and sold all over the world. It's kind of the opposite too talent and more towards the Satan style of marketing.
First of all the last series was hosted by David Harassment Off, Amanda Hold in her face on and Michael his jokes are dyer (See what I did there!). With these three absolute talentless money grabbers behind the wheel it makes you wonder how they know when somethings good at all. That why I believe the audience is there so they don't have to try and think as they stare at some genuine talented people and cry as they wish they had that kind of talent just for a moment. Now I know that this show finished a few weeks ago but there are many more of these pop finding giants still on such as X-factor, So You Think You Can Dance, Pop Star To Opera Star and the Channel 5 reworking of Big Brother which I only image is a cross between Live at Studio 5 and an interactive version of C.S.I. Miami. A place where emotionless sexy feds shag to death and we the audience have to help the other members figure out who the murderer was and what position they died in.
Reality T.V. seems to never die and with the birth of Big Brother every year more and more outlandish ideas are made where basically different words are written on pieces of paper and placed in a hat and then picked at random to form a new reality T.V. show. Tramp watch after dark, Slide wars of the west and Robot shoes for the blind are just three ideas I can think of and I'm sure right now a executive is looking at those thinking "This man is a Genius" if all else fails and just add a celebratory version that will keep them going for a few years.
The newest form of this ogling hell is the Jeremy Kyle style peeping tom with shows such as Jersey Show (MTV), The only Way Is Essex (ITV) and Made In Chelsea (Channel 4) follow a bunch of self obsessed low life's who feel the meaning of life is that they are in everyone else's. It's designed too just annoy anyone watches it from the off and you hate it straight away saying "why am I watching this shit" but yet are unable to turn it off like a spot on your face waiting to be popped.
It makes me wonder that if aliens were thinking of taking over the planet and they tuned in to see what we were like they'd just leave us saying "they are already fucked" While they trail back to the higher plain of existence.
It's not that I hate these show it's that they make me want to jam things into my scrotum so that I can never produce one of these being with my own flesh. This rate has little point in it other than if you watch these shows then I hope you don't want an IQ as they will take it. These people are not famous, they do nothing and frankly if you want to be like them you might as well hang out outside a McDonalds and hope your CCTV footage gets shown on the News

See if they'd hide all the spoons

I like nothing more than to relax in a hot steamy bath while reading a good book. The hot water relaxing my muscles making my body sweat out fat that drips down me like that of a McDonald's milkshake. I need resting most weekends, but after this weekend I am in need of some serious relaxation after the world didn't end.
As most people are probably aware of at the time of writing this, the rapture was on the 21st Of May 2011. This weekend was meant to be the rapture, the end of the world, the goodbye to work and hello to fire but of course it never happened. Why did it never happen you ask? Was God feeling nice, did he just want too keep Justin Beiber on Earth a little longer or was it a giant money making scheme, who can tell. All i know is the bath helped Monday morning.
A few weeks before the decided date at 6pm on Saturday a man by the righteous name of Harold Camping predicted the end of the world. I'm sure your wondering how did he predicted such an event. Mathematical calculations? Astrology? A Ouija board? Nope he just read the Bible and guested that's how. Now this wouldn't be much of a shame if he was the only one doing it, standing in a wheat field with a cone on his head but it seems the whole world believed this man. A reported 200 million followed O'Holy Harold who also predicted the end of the world in 1994 but erm well we won't mention that will we.
This time Harold came prepared with money, lots of money. Sent to him by his sheep like idiots, I mean followers which he spent on Billboards and signs telling everyone to wave goodbye to Sunday morning because God's doing a recall.
Now its not the fact that Mr camping looks like a shaved ball sac and having the emotional expressions of a dead haddock that makes me hate him. Its his overall scheme that makes me want to get him and Derek Acroa in a room and compare there giant wards of cash. It makes you want to start a cult of your own just to help pay the bills. In fact I might start my own where we all follow the clouds, as these are the tears of the damned and by giving my money and sitting in a bin every Thursday you too can save them and not end up a cloud of thought.
Its also the fact you can not win with these people. As the event clearly didn't happen then you would think they would dis-believe in God or at least the crazed cult of Harold but no they all claimed that God is once again testing us and is letting us live. Which on the same logic I can state that tomorrow I'm going to murder everyone in the world with just a spoon and then come Saturday state I wasn't going to do it I was just testing everyone too see they'd believe me.
I feel sorry for the kids of the family who gathered together to be sucked away into dust when all they wanted to do was play. But oh well now they can keep on living without anymore worries. Except that their parents don't have jobs. As it seems many left theirs. Why? Who knows, maybe because if you were gonna die anyway you'd quite your job just to be safe in case they want you back in on Monday.
But in all this darkness and ugly faced lying there was a happy side. An atheist and entrepreneur from New Hampshire, got a rise in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured.
He had more than 250 clients who are paying up to $135 (£83) to have their pets picked up and cared for after the rapture. He then told the Wall Street Journal like a genius that his clients would be let down twice come Monday, "Once because they weren't raptured and again because I don't do refunds." Now is a clever business scheme. Bath anyone?

Wow that bucket really can't hold no more......

Once again it's Saturday. Time off for most people to sit back and relax with the one's they love. Maybe get a take away or cook a nice family meal then still down in front of the TV and watch some good old Saturday night TV.  Thus the joyful night of love ends as once again it's filled with buckets so full of shit that the overflowing fluid of muck has leaked all over the rest of the media making a giant shit sandwich of programming joy. Mainly it is ITV bringing back some shows so useless that each year you find yourself waiting for it all to end just so you can turn your TV on again without fear of total damnation. What I am referring to is the X-factor spin off that is Britain's Got Talent (ITV), which it seems it has in small amounts. There are genuine talented people out there. Singers, dancers and even woman who can command their dogs but its the unrelenting amount of losers that makes the show really unappealing. It's more cringe factor when they happily broadcast these people on national TV in front of millions. While being mocked by an emotionless doll, a washed up bad actor and a unfunny comedian who find pleasure in telling other people that they are crap and pointing and laughing till the person implodes into themselves form a black hole of disspear. It wouldn't be so bad if you knew that it was live or the acts had been seen before but in order to get on TV they have too go through one or two attentions. Making you relize that the producers full well know they suck but feel it would be better to pretend they are great and let them make a big fool of themselves for our amusement. "Oh My god they are so bad, this is soul destroying. Put them on after the toast guy". The list of 'talent' this year really is depressing. A man who makes a picture out of toast, a dancing dog, an autistic boy who can dance (well i have no idea as i know nothing about dancing but everyone else clapped and cheered so i guess he must be), many many half naked woman to which the Hoff loved, a JLS wannabe group who couldn't sing (but got through) and a French dancer man who was by far the best thing on the show so far (so the best talent from Britain's from France then? Is that allowed? What's the point of the show being called Britain's got talent) all of which go through to the next round. A man who thought he could break dance did not get through. But after they did the heart to heart story of how he's always wanted to dance and then he shows he can't and we laugh at him and his efforts. It makes you be glad your not him, ha ha look at him, trying in life, fool. Also do these people not have friends who tell them to their faces they are rubbish maybe before they go on TV? I know I wouldn't want to go on a show like that before asking others. I hope their 'friends' are happy they lied and said they were good because it's all your fault they went and believed and got put down and will probably be deeply scared by the whole event.
Then there is the judges, Amanda Holden, David Hasselhoff and Michael McIntyre who all have their own technique in dealing with the contestants. Amanda Holden has this doll like ability to not show any form of emotion, much like Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings, so knowing if she approved of an act or not is hard to say from her facial expressions. So you have to relay on her buzzer going on off or some of the words she squeezes out of her plastic face. But even then it's hard to tell as she hardly says no unless its no but i still think your amazing. Then there is David Hasselhoff, the 58 year old drunk who never seems to know whats going on. But if the contestant is a young lady in barely any clothes they already have his vote. As he stares like a pedophile outside a school gate as they dance around and jiggle. It makes you wonder why it's okay for him to do it but if he was to act the same at a secondary school he'd be locked in jail as a pedophile and get buggered by K.I.T. Last of all there is McIntyre who tries to bring an element of humor to show, which i thought was Hasslehoff's job I mean look at him ha ha he's speaking again, with his brand of this is an orange but at home it's called a banana and that's a funny difference, watch my face move kind of humor. I find him so unfunny I guess that's why he fits into this whole mess of a show. Even Simon Cowell doesn't want to watch it anymore. He can now wait while the money pours in from this God awful show while he conspires in his evil lair building a rocket that will destroy the sun. But don't worry because once B.G.T end's you can relax and enjoy Pier Morgans Life Stories.......Wow that bucket really can't hold no more......

"Yes I still want to be with this person I've been with for the last few years"

Well here it is. The blog you knew was coming because it's Friday soon but not a normal Friday, No. One where the whole world cares about two strangers they don't know getting married. They then film it too show all over the world and call it the greatest event in the world and say "look love isn't dead" as they shove a Royal Wedding Flag kit in your face and say "That'll be £19.99". Yes it's the Royal Wedding 2011 this year in HD and pointlessness is at an all time high as we are all told that it's the most magical event ever. My main problem with it is that since it was announced the News world has been happy to pour out absolute shit about the couple until you feel like you know more about the event than even they do. Much like the world cup, the build up to the event is unimaginable and once it happens lasts a few seconds and all the excitement is over and everyone is left feeling slightly empty like a milk float at 1pm. What ring will she wear, what dress, shoes, whose coming, why someone isn't going, what time is it, how many squirrels will be allowed in, on a scale of one to ten how happy will they be afterwards and so on. But all this dribble just for a 30 minute bullshit of "Yes I still want to be with this person I've been with for the last few years" then it's all over and the 8'000 different camera crews can fight too the death to get a good shot of the couple walking outside in the rain. One thing that is annoying the hell out of me is that we are being told that it's the biggest Wedding of the year but I'm pretty sure if anyone who reads this (the small amount that is one person) who is getting married that they feel their day is the biggest Wedding in their eyes. So maybe they should stop shoving it into our faces about what we think is great and what we think is not.
My main anger at the whole thing is marriage itself. Unless you are a religious person and therefore want to get married under your God then getting married is pointless as it makes no difference to the relationship that your in other than stating too strangers you are taken which doesn't matter anyway as people still have affairs and 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. You basically take a relationship you have been in for the past 5 years and change NOTHING about it. People always say that then you become more committed but are you not committed when your with the person in the first place. Can you cheat away like a whore but as soon as the golden ring of justice is placed upon your finger you have to cut off all ties? No, it's stupid and what makes the Royal Wedding more stupid is that people get married all the time that you don't know so why care about these two. Is it because they are Royal's? Most likely, but they will never actually have any real power as that's why we vote and have a government otherwise go back to the 15th century and be ruled by a King or Queen. Plus it's costing us, the tax payer, to fund this event. I mean they could pay for it themselves but they don't have jobs. Anyway I'll stop now before i explode with pure anger and my big bloody head is left dripping off my iMac. 
As for pointless stories, The Sun has (as always) become king of the useless with it's exclusive "Kate's naked wedding fear" as this is an important story that we all must know otherwise how will we coupe with the mundane day to day of our lives if we didn't know that Kate thinks she will be naked during the wedding and thus helping to make the average Sun reader interested. Even using pictures of half naked woman to help get across the idea of what a naked woman might look like just to help the story reach it's audience. But then you switch on ITV News and they have a story where a school did a mock up wedding where two kids got married. Now i don't know why this is News or if they are actually married but, they better be as I've seen it on the TV and thus it must be true. So if they aren't married then ITV has lied and it is all a big sham and we shall riot in the streets until there love is taken seriously! But the craziest thing i have seen other than the thousand of people camping since Monday in order to get a place in the street to see it and the ridiculous amount of Mugs and plates with the couples face on, is the betting you can do. Now i work in a betting shop and i looked up what you could bet on. My oh my, it is beyond sad that people would actually care this much about an event that doesn't mean A thing to anyone that they would bet on it, other than the Royal Family themselves who could make a few extra quid on the side. So here are my Top Ten Bet's you can place on the wedding:

10: 50/1 - An Objection Made during the service
09: 33/1 - Gold (Colour of Queens hat)
08: 38/1 - Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven (First Dance)
07: 2/5 - Less than 30 million (views on both BBC/ITV)
06: 6/1 - Lilly Allen to get last minute invite
05: 100/1 - The Archbishop to request a toilet break during the wedding
04: 200/1 - Michael Barrymore (First celebrity to be shown at wedding)
03: 10/1 - Prince Philip to be seen asleep during service
02: 100/1 - Chas & Dave (Which couple will be seen first)
01: 50/1 - "They were on a break" (What will Huw Edwards say first)

Now get betting folks. For this quick day will help to blind you from the wars and lack of cash and other such things that are going on. Send angry tweets to @Pippy_Pipatron

A collection of home movies about your Granddad that even you've been framed wouldn't touch

While surfing the channels at an unholy time of 10 o'clock I flickered past all the fun filled morning TV. BBC had Homes under hammer, which is where a giant hammer employed by the BBC crushes the homes of unpaid license holders (this is of course not true as there are no hammers big enough, it's just another boring auction program with homes). The ITV was offering it's usual fun filled point and laugh show that is Jeremy Kyle. Where mongoloids from the planet retard come on and complain to the lord Kyle for praise and hope he will get the partner a job and tell them that one of the nine babies is there's. But I then landed on the channel that should not be named that is channel 5 which every weekday morning is filled with the should be radio show called The Wright Stuff, hosted by Matthew Wright the ex showbiz journalist from The Sun and The Daily Mirror. The show basically uses 10 minutes between the adverts to discuss a topic some of which are very important "Should we have assisted suicide in the UK" some of which are so boring you start to wish there was assisted suicide "Should girls be allowed in Scouts". But with all of the topics it never actually has an answer it just hoovers around like a bad smell waiting for a phone call that disagrees with the panel and they collapse like a Jenga set as you pull out the bottom piece. It's not that they don't have interesting topics it's just there is little time to actually discuss them with real fact and depth but at least they try hard and do get both sides of the argument if possible unlike the Alan Titchmarsh show, which is just a collection of home movies about your Granddad that even you've been framed wouldn't touch. Watching him woo the garments off the over 60's with his gardening skills really does make you vomit in your own mouth until he then whips out his guest and plugs whatever shit their selling, claiming it's the best thing since flowers even though you know he has no idea who they are. "Oh yes, Lady Gaga, I Love her telephone and Poker Face. Love me people please I've only got one skill but somehow I'm hosting a topical show for the blind" (of course also untrue as even blind people have standards). 

But much like the light hearten debuts of The Wright Stuff they bring on 3 guests to discuss a topic which is again okay on a show like this to chat on end about The Royal wedding and famous peoples shoes because this is all pointless banter that even dogs wouldn't stop licking there balls for. But it's when they decide to try and tackle real issues that the show twists your nipples to you can't take no more. I remember one episode where they were asking should Prisoners be allowed to vote. They had 3 guests to talk about the subject one being an ex prisoner who was stating his point that prisoners are people too and serve sentence for the crime they commit and as they will be coming out into the world why shouldn't they be allowed to vote whose in charge of there rights. As it states we are all legally allowed to vote as part of our rights. Which is a fair point to bring up, has logic and fact behind it. Weather you agree with it or not it still is a fair point and should be spoke with in an adult manner unlike Alan's other guest twatty McBigMouth (Ex News of The World and Sun Editor Nick Ferrari) who just started ranting like an angry mother saying well criminals are no longer people, what about hard working people who obey the law and think of the children. Which may have been great points if he'd actually put them into a human sentence rather than a Hitler style rally speech for the crowd to just lap up like hungry wolves. Then, as with The Wright Stuff, we've out of time and Alan will jump to some unrelated topic. "Okay, thank you for coming on the show and any views on this topic please visit our website. But now we have some cute little puppy's and some trees I'm going to cut into the shape of the British Flag", leaving the topic neither here nor their but just making the prisoner look like a fool as he's no with the crowd and part of the Titchmarsh gang. I feel that these show would benefit better if they left actual debate about the world to adults and carried on chatting about Jordon and other useless rubbish till they all march to Switzerland and decide to end it all in the name of Pop culture or a Bee or whatever is fashionable for the five seconds before the needle frees up some more car parking spaces outside Homebase.

Also Tweet away (To anyone actually reading this mass of misspellings) to @Pippy_Pipatron

Hosted by what can only be described as a seal on crack

It seems that the one thing that T.V is trying to push down our throats is food and when their not telling us what to eat it's how we should make the food. Weather it's to make it more crunchy or add more dry goose it seems the food critics of the world are never happy. In fact no matter what channel you look at their will be some sort of gluttony based stuffing where they have to impress people with their cooking skills either to guests, under a time limit, to critics, for the Prime Minster, under a hammer, through a key hole and even inside the animal they are severing. It's just becoming over top sneering where people who think they know how food should be look down at people going, "oh it lacks that such and such of flavour" It's food eat it if it's nice you think McDonalds is selling millions because it's bursting with flavour? I actually heard someone say on Master Chef (BBC1) about one of the contestants "he's cooked for famous people" as this means he therefore know how to cook better than anyone else? Famous people still eat food like the rest of use they haven't got higher taste pallets. I don't see Jordon rolling into the Fat Duck and asking for a course of Creme De Mon, do you? It's only when you look at John Torode and Gregg Wallace that you feel like your being ruled by evil over lords as they cast the loser into the fiery pits of hell. I bet these two would complain about beans on toast because the beans weren't red enough.
But with all shows there is one that just goes so far over the top it is now back at the bottom. Iron Chef (C4) is beyond cooking and now in the realms of epic cooking war. Starting in Japan and then moving to the USA it soon took over the top T.V to Narnia with AHHHH's and COOKING!!! Then landed it's way onto U.K T.V, hosted by what can only be described as a seal on crack, Olly Smith. Whom if was to consume cocaine would explode if he saw an onion as it would be way to much excitement for his food hungry little eyes.The show battles teams against "iron chefs" who are like warriors in the field of cooking. But each episode their is crazy Japanese man who stands on a plinth shouting commands at the cooks mainly the main ingredient today will be...ONIONS and it's done in an x factor shock kind of way panning left, then right, then close-up then back to the Japanese man's eye and then the onions and now Olly's perverted veggie fetish. It takes cooking drama to a whole new level that even if Jesus was to turn up and turn the water into wine he'd still lose to the Iron Chef who made a Duck shot lasers out his ass!
Another common food program a la trend is the voting system and one of the most popular of all these shows in Come Dine With Me (C4) where a group of people cook meals for each other over a week (5 days, not a full week, a working week, shut up you get it) and each host for the evening invites this group of madly critical strangers into their home. They cook them 3 courses and after the night of high drinking and snobbery they vote while being driven home by a mystery taxi driver, who I'm going to call Vlad. While Vlad is driving them home they vote out of ten what they thought of they meal with whatever sober thoughts they can muster and the winner by the end of the week wins £1000 and 4 new friends. The guests range from absolute knobs to confused badgers looking for glimmers of hope in an otherwise ruined society but always hungry. Some weeks you'll see the uncomfortable i fancy them and they think I'm a troll or the other common theme which is i hate them and they hate me which courses most of the shows point. the cooking itself is about 10% of it and the main draw of the show is the people the drag off the bus to sit and eat. A kind of Master Chef Big Brother. But the shows main attraction is the dry humored voice over Dave Lamb who make's more fun of the guest than they do of themselves. Therefore making the program bearable and then being the star. Except for Vlad who should have a spin of show, Come Taxi With Me where he gets previous Come Dine With Me losers to drive him about for a change while he rates their driving out of ten, Including a Le mans style race, circus stunt driving course and driving while on fire. "Oh a bit raw, i give it a 6"

Look at the complex structure of a Badger or Jeremy Kyle

Now I didn't really know what to write about this week so i thought I'd talk about what I've been learning over the last few weeks, you might be surprised with what I've learned. First of all I have to say that the other day I was watching Glee with my girlfriend and for lets say the first episode i really hated it. Bile came out my nose at the pure Disney like frolicking of those nit wits and the only storyline used was, is he still gay? But when i got round to episode two and saw a cover of singing in the rain i must say it got me. I loved it and unfortunately for the rest of my soul I watched and enjoyed the rest of the show. Once you get over the ultimately pain staking poor attempt at a plot line and over the top joy that these absolute losers have you really start to gain interest in their pointless lives and really wish you could have stood out as much as them even though you didn't own a wheel chair.
I have also had a lot of change of heart about God, i have been for all my life a non believe in the way, the truth and the light as I was using fact instead of belief but no more. Once i fully read and understood the true meaning of God (and by God i mean the Christian sense, i mean come on the other gods are obviously wrong, an elephant that's an animal not a god) I could see that I have been wrong all these years as it all make logical sense. Jesus died for our sins in order to impress his dad up in heaven because God couldn't just forgive us without brutality letting his son get murdered for his own pleasure because then we'd never have the stories to pass on to our children, like Button Moon. Plus the story of Noah putting every single animal on a boat of wood and they didn't eat other just hay or some magic beans. This story really speaks to the modern lifestyle with the fuel prices being so high. Then the idea of heaven and hell being an eternal life of happiness or pain depending if Justin Beiber goes their is of course sense. I mean I was a vegetation but no more as now i know they don't go to heaven because they weren't made in the image of god. So hahaha dogs you have nothing but us special humans have everything in your faces. So just plough through a fox next time it gets in front of your car. But of course God knows this as he made them because look at the complex structure of a badger or Jeremy Kyle only a God would be proud of such things.
But the most amazing of all discoveries this week is how life has just become the ultimate gift. Watching babies laughing as the punch their bothers. Chavs stealing goods from shops and shouting the C word at you from their cars of pure amazement because if it doesn't have rims and sparkle then it's just not cool. Watching God throw large amounts of water at the Japanese really brings a tear too your eye when you think, thank you god for not flushing me into the death toilet, then seeing on the news a little girl being shot in London you can't help but smile. Then you drive off in happiness and a white van man cuts you up and drives like the plank he was meant to be and we all just laugh and smile like the class of Glee because Glee is real life people and if you are not like that you are just abnormal. Even ugly outcasts are pretty and can sing in pure harmony i mean you can't? Then god made you wrong, you should write and angry letter of complaint or at least smoke signals. Hmm this has kinda trailed off but as I stated before I had nothing to go on with so i just wrote and that's what you get, don't get upset it's free to read you could of stopped half way, but you were just waiting to see if i said something like April fools or Cat Balls well now i have HAPPY. Good anyway Happy Friday and PHADcast for the WIN!

@Pippy_Pipatron

"IVF, Steak and Kidney pie, Same thing init"

Better get those calendars changed as it seems that summer is no longer in June but now the 23rd of March. Time to kick spring back on the boat it illegally came over on and praise the god that is the Sun for this is what it seems to be like today when you go outside. The sound of bass is forcing it's way out of young hipsters cars like a varicose vein that is breaking out of your skin and the sight of shirtless morons is enough to make any pasty slim Jim feel like they've entered a modeling shot and should take their mash potato like figure back to the land of sense. Summer is in fact the most stupid of all seasons for humans as it's when they decide life is great again and flap about like they've just been accepted to Heaven on a scholarship. You spend your nights sweating until you have to empty your mattress like a sponge and un-stick yourself from your pillow as your too hot to move another inch. But don't worry cause your day is a consent wave of heat burning your eyes like butter until all you can do is lay in a chair hoping the weather man says that the ice age is coming back.
But of course this isn't true it is indeed Spring and the Easter eggs from a bunny rabbit are on their way. As that's how Jesus want's us to remember his birth, chocolate eggs? Oh well I'm sure that makes sense in a reality where Piers Morgan is famous, Lady Gaga is called a musician and Jordon and Peter Andrea are famous for doing nothing, right? But what doesn't make sense is that when you step out into the sunshine it's still cold. It may look nice from your office window of despair but once you face it it's colder than the freezer of Mr.Freeze. Yet I saw people prancing about topless showing off their man muscles, why? I wore a jumper all day as it was that cold. They also decided to attack their legs with shorts, SHORTS! It's March you fools, this isn't Spain put some normal clothes on and go to work with the grown ups. But at least they weren't wearing sandals, wait what's that on your feet? You've got to be kidding me wear shoes you ass. I see no point in sandals while walking down the town, unless your town is made up only of sand and sea other than turds and chewing gum. But it seems it has started and people will head to the beach where dirt meets water and people lay their letting cancer attack their naked bodies. While people blast out the radio with songs you hate on and fat people happily get half naked and stand next to you while your trying to read a book in the blistering heat.
I wonder if all this love of the sun has come from Professor Brain Cox's Wonders of the Universe, a TV show so unbelievably awesome that if you try to understand a full episode at once your brain has to be taken out and given shock therapy just to remember how to see again. If you haven't seen it get on the iplayer and check out the D:ream star explain the Wonders (of the Universe) that are going on away from our center that we call Earth. It is an enlightening look at the world around us showing the beauty and complexity of the Universe we live in. Also another quick jab at TV when i was about to say goodbye to my parents the other night they had Eastenders on. The hum drum happy go luckily soap that makes even a serious illness scared for the fear of how depressing life can be. But the exact words i heard as i walked in was this. "IVF, Steak and Kidney pie, Same thing init". Now i have no idea what this means but it seems that cockney life is much more complex than i first thought. Maybe the writers had never heard East Londoners before so they just hang out listening to them in pubs and got two conversions mixed up. I wonder what great dialogue we will hear in the coming weeks. Tigers eat only 2 packets of Salt and vinegar crisps, people get pregnant through Wayne Rooney's goal and the evolution of man started from the boobs on page 3.
If you have come across this rant of a blog through PHADcast then hello to you, hope you enjoyed it and if you've never heard of PHADcast get looking on facebook and like it and click on the link and get listening to my new podcast with my friend Ad where i rant like this but use music to give me time to breath.

 Tweet at @Pippy_Pipatron

Boobs are heroes for immigrants benefit's in the credit crunch....

As you could of guessed the news this week was filled (and still is) of the terrible tragedy happening in Japan where as you should know an 8.9 earthquake hit as well as 20 aftershocks. To which after that a tsunami decided to show up and clear away anything else and then to make sure that they really got the hint all three nuclear power stations are on high alert with leaks and explosions. Geez what next God a meteor to the face? a cat that can't die? Pier's Morgan? NO i think they've had more than enough. Anyway if you didn't know this then you clearly have been living under, around or in a rock as it is everywhere and as you can guess it is a terrible thing to happen before you think I am a begrudged Dr.Evil type. Now every news station it seemed had the same 30 second loop going around of water destroying homes, roads and forming whirlpool's like when you spin a spoon really fast in a glass of water and you think your in twister. My news of choice (and i say choice in the same way i choose to work to earn money) was Sky News, which has a much more American fear tacit way of telling the story with the main forces being it could reach the USA. Even showing us live shots of beaches in Hawaii, going LOOK! The WAVES! THEIR GETTING! A BIT FASTER! EVERYONE RUN! But in real terms they were fine and Mr. Bolton should calm down about his love for the USA and focus on the matter at hand, remember the Japanese already got hit. You know the ones over their!
So after learning the facts Sky news happily showed images of Japan and where the quakes had hit. Then graphics of Japan and how many hours before America got hit after which back to the footage of the waves with some sort of hammer horror style music but reminding us more tsunami news coming soon. It all felt like some sort of a The Osbourne's style show, following the tsunami around like a stalker seeing where it's going, what shoes it likes the most and if it will go for Christmas number one this year.Anyway after the back and forth elements that make you hurl endlessly into your own lungs you get pretty diagrams of what an earthquake looks like underwater, what a nuclear planet is, what area got flooded first. Oh wait where hearing more people are dead, what does this mean Adam Bolton, well it's bad, and back to more footage of Japanese people looking scared when the ground shakes. It seems that the news has become it's own reality TV show and now rather than dealing with these tragic issues they just parade around the area pointing cameras and hoping for the worst out come like a season of Big Brother, rather than actually helping them in a time of need.
It was also good to see The newspapers handle this story with care, showing many of the same pictures, death toll's and diagrams of the nuclear power planet that if you were to just flick the pages in all the papers together you might think your watching a flip book movie. But it was The Sun who ruled all after their page three lady spoke of poets and intellect that make me wonder why she has to get her boobs out for money. You would then flip to page six where in big half page letters they had the headline GODZILLA! GODZILLA! Now I'm no expect but isn't that a bit raciest? I mean a whole nation is in morning and the only way you feel you can explain it to your reading viewers is by going look they run away like they do in those Godzilla movies, Haha remember. Haha silly Japanese Haha. Oh look their running from that wave, Haha. Oh boobs will make it better. I seriously believe that the nation is so bored of news that the only reason they read the sun is because it's 20p and if builders don't have a paper with them at all time they can't look at pictures while on the loo or drinking tea. It should be on the same rack as OK, Now, Jam, Bizz and Flip Flap. Better still they could write it by putting all their favorite words like, Hero, immigrants, benefit's, credit crunch and boobs into a bucket and just arrange stories together using that. No one would notice and it would save them time......wait a second.....Boobs are heroes for immigrants benefit's in the credit crunch....

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Finally a bit of logic

Being Random, it's easy to do right? Well not so according to those pesky scientists as they say that all thought that is stored in your brain through your life such as images, words and moments are all prepackage into your brain like a straight to DVD Danny Dyer film and maybe accessed at any moment of random stupidity. The only real thing that can be random is a computer as it doesn't have any connection to any words, numbers or places and would not subconsciously favor them over other things. So you may think your a random genius but really it's easy, banana, Oxford, Duck Soup, a nut, 4 thieving midgets from mars and Tom Jones. See done and dusted. But you may wonder why I am trying to sound like a PhD in dick all, well after watching Wonders Of The Universe (BBC1) i can't help but think that i need to upgrade my brain with really knowledge rather than pub facts and how many times they say the f word in South Park the movie (217 for those in the know). The show is hosted by ex pop star (of D:ream, oh yes that group) Professor Brian Cox who seems to be the pin up of physicists. He doesn't resemble the normal look and following that comes with say Stephen Hawking but does manage to engage and explain knowledge that too you and me is just letters on a page of dots.
It was while watching this show that something really struck me in the forehead. As he explains about ancient civilizations and how they measured the sun, about the infinite size of the universe, the birth and death of stars and the fact that the overall reason for the universe is to create life i began to ponder the thought of creation. So after I got this into my average brain I thought you know what this really backs up my idea that all religion is wrong. Now i know that right now, if you are of a faith you will be thinking I'm an idiot or i can't prove anything and blah blah blah but wait listen to these three things that disprove, in my eyes, all religion. First of all i just want to state that i don't feel that this disproves the idea of god but only any form of religion as i feel God means creator and thus something is the creator maybe even the universe itself if God but i shouldn't pray to it as it doesn't have a conscious. Oh yes the anger is now a heavy hitting fact based clever clogs.

First of all, all religions and religious texts claim the earth was created by a supreme being so many years ago but as we know the earth is many thousands of years old which all the major religions disagree with. Getting dates wrong is fine but with this new found knowledge they should then change how they think, i.e the Earth isn't 2000 old to maybe God made the Earth millions of years ago and the universe and sand and jam etc. As we know through the findings of ancient civilizations and dinosaur remains that before any of these religions took place their was life on the earth and if you don't think dinosaurs ever were here then don't bother me anymore with anything, As they did and are cool. So cool that if i could I'd have a pet and ride it to work everyday. But until that happens I'll just use my car.
Secondly, it was recently in the news that a Muslim preacher was sent death treats for stating that woman should be allowed to show their hair and that he believes the Darwin theory of evolution. To which it seems people thought he meant that Adam and Eve's parent's were monkeys. He said it was part of God's plan. Finally a bit of logic in Religion but no he is shunned. How can we as a species move on when we are living with outdated theories and specializations with no evidence and where woman are still treated like animals. If you are religious then that is fine but when facts are made that show that somethings in your religion doesn't make sense maybe try to understand them and move forward. Don't threaten them and state they never speak again. Now I do not believe in any of it but I try not to judge people who believe in these things and hope i can still get on with them and live happy lives as long as it doesn't effect me directly. I don't threaten to murder people who love God I just let them be. Maybe it's time you let woman have rights as they have as much right to be alive and free as you do.
Finally, i have read many religious texts and have tried to understand it but i just don't it is all bollocks. Noah, burning bushes, killing your own son to please yourself. If God is real then he/she/it clearly doesn't care what we do and if you pray to him he wouldn't answer your pray as this would go against his divine plan and remember he gave us free will so in that sense he controls nothing. So when people believe God will provide he doesn't you provide he watch's you that's it, like a kid with an ant farm he just watches us. Also he watches people suffer, die slowly and painfully all in his name and for his pleasure so even if he is real I don't want to worship him i would rather just be nice, try and hard and hope that i achieve everything i can with my life.

I promise next week will be a pointless dribble of anger but this week is this stupid more upper-class snobbishness of smut.
Any thoughts of angry posts send via twitter: @Pippy_pipatron

A monkey telling you to save the planet by throwing eggs at a typewriter until it re-writers the bible with every other word being hamster?

Good morning, have a nice dream? Something crazy no doubt. A monkey telling you to save the planet by throwing eggs at a typewriter until it re-writers the bible with every other word being hamster? No well your just not using your brain to its full ability so stop sitting their reading this and start dreaming higher!

Now Let's talk about your dreams, no not them dreams. Tell me about your aspirations. You want to be thin, an actor, happily married and have beautiful kids while living in the perfect neighborhood. Well that sounds 100% normal who doesn't want that. Well it's not. We live in a world where, due to the media, we have made our dreams impossible to reach. If you think you will one day "be happy" then maybe think again until you have learned you never stop dreaming.

First of all girls magazines, like Grazia and OK and all those shitty magazines that either talk about fashion or about how celebs are awesome and are living the greatest lives ever. Look at their homes and their partners, look at them, you want that don't you and look they all look super thin and looking age 20 at 40 with no surgery and their happier than you with you normal job and boyfriend who is just an average man without a six pack. See they show pictures of woman that have be digital altered to look "perfect" and this has become the acceptable look of what is beautiful when really it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for any woman to naturally look like that without surgery or computers to enhance every picture. Before when magazine and T.v showed woman it was at least possible look like them, even if this doesn't matter being famous is not important, but now the bar is so high the only way to reach it is to stand on 100 elephants, get a step ladder and stretch until your arms pop out of joint.

Next is fame, it seems fame is more important than anything these days. Do you remember doctors? No not Dr. House, REAL doctors who save lives and have to make life changing decisions everyday. No okay better go back to watching ER or Holby City. It is a sad world where we admire and look up to people like Jordon or Kerry Katona who do nothing with their lives other than be twats and strive their whole lives for media attention when their are great people out their like doctors and policemen and writers and even people you know who live near you who are much better role models than these bints we see on TV. Even footballers are twats yet we are meant to care when one of them shags someone else and has a kid when all that really matters is that they kick a ball in a net at the right time. The point is being famous isn't important it doesn't make life better, even famous people aren't happy but Mr.Media keeps punching you in the face with how they are. Their lives are just like yours partying, friends and a job it's just people take photos of theirs and they get paid a hell of a lot more money.

Finally dreams, we all have them. Things in life we wish to achieve. But we all think that being a TV star, Movie god or rock star is what we want to be. Probably why their are 3 million wannabes in L.A trying to "make it" as it's their dream. The show that has helped to fill people brains with the idea of dreams is The X-Factor (ITV) where every single one of the hapless loser whose dream is to be a famous singer, even the 12 years old's whose dreams all their lives was to do this. Your 12 your dream should be to run up a hill and eat lots of chocolate not these deluded ideas of fame and singing where you are just a giant media campaign to make people money with generic music and the model look (Susan Boyle excluded who is on the other scale where they use their own sense of smuttiness and looking down at people too sell a woman who just likes to sing). Any job can be your dream job if it makes you happy, but you never will be because you will get bored in the end of doing the same thing and will want more. Even once you achieve your dreams you add more and keep wanting more and more until the day you die and then you die with a dream which might be to see your son again or play one last game of golf.

So just live your life whatever way you want and don't buy these crappy gossip magazines and maybe they will stop printing this dribble. You be happy as remember the only person in life you ever have to please is yourself. Hmm this is getting a bit to deep, Boobs!

On a different subject if you have some spare money you don't need this month please donate it to comic relief, here is my friends page if you wish to help her or just in general help:
http://my.rednoseday.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=348350

And i'm still on the twitter so follow me for more fun and winning life aspects @Pippy_Pipatron

The Whore in a box District

This is what i wrote while i was away in Amsterdam, if none of it makes any sense you have only yourself to blame and maybe drugs. I've added bits and changed it to the pasted tense in order for it to make more sense, enjoy or hate it who cares.....

You'd think that three in the morning would be a good time to be awake. Birds chirping, sun rising and the general feel of peace and quite. But you'd be oh so very wrong. It is an evil time that even milk men are afraid off as they look through their tired crusty milk soaked eyes at a world that looks like it's suffered a zombie apocalypse. But why would I get up at a useless time like this you wonder. Well, i was off to Amsterdam. That's right, the place of a thousand whore's. Where the air is green and the roads are more complex than when Stephen Hawking needs to change his trousers. When you step out into this wonderland from the airport the first thing you notice is bikes, and i mean a lot of bikes. As to the right of the train station we got out of their was a multi story bike park that was packed to the rim nearly spilling the bikes into the canal like an avalanche. but the roads are complected and trying to understand where they are coming from is difficult. They come out of no where like a silent killer, not slowing down at all no matter what form of life is in their way.
Anyway once we had got ourselves through the crystal maze of beautiful buildings we found our lodgings. Four of us stayed above a pizza shake and the others was above a Hagan Dazs. Now another thing that Amsterdam like to forget about is stair safety. As the stairs in both places where tiny (so tiny that i had to walk down the sideways), the celling was lower than a dwarfs cave and the handrail was about as useful as a plaster after you've had your arm ripped off. Once all keys and bags were in the rightful place we hit the town. Well not really hit, more gently pushed ourselves through coffee shops and Aldi. Which by the way is crap here as it is back home and had the most unhappy check out lady who had no change so made us figure it out for her how we should pay. Now the law on the coffee shops is a very strange one. Due to the E.U law on smoking tobacco it is illegal to to smoke it unless it is outside or allowed within the place your staying, much like England. But you are allowed to smoke Marijuana within coffee shops as long as it's stated but not outside. So basically you can smoke as much pot as you like in a cafe, but have a cigarette and your out on your ass! This is by far the most stupid idea ever. How can they allow one without the other. It's like going to a pub and drinking beer but if you want a coke you have to hang outside. If smoking is that bad for you then just ban it don't tip toe around it until the only place left to smoke is in a shed in your own back garden.
Later that night we went to what Amsterdam is famous for The Red Light District or what it should be known as The whore in a box District as that is basically as far as it goes. Woman stand in glass boxes in neon underwear trying to make eye contact with you and leer you in. I couldn't look them in the eye for the fear that i may turn to stone and the fact it was so uncomfortable looking at these woman it made me want to hide in a corner till the pretty lady had gone away. I do not feel their is anything wrong with prostitution. I think it makes perfect sex. I want sex, they want money, sorted! Plus it's legal and safe so you are probably less likely to catch anything from one of their hookers than a girl in a bar. After a two euro sex show and a lot of laughs we headed back up to our shacks and slept ready for day two.
Day two began with a knock on the door at 9am and some tea too which i said fuck off and left it to go cold until i rose at 11! A real time that has real ideas like breakfast and warm tea. After the time had come to take on the day we went to more coffee shops and decided that what we needed was to go to the zoo and that we did! The zoo was amazingly strange, for a start their had seemed to have been a group of old ladies in the area who had knitted the whole place together. It was everywhere, on the fences, hanging from trees even on some of the statues but it did brighten up what was the cold day. The type of cold where you breath ice and when you pee you have to chisel it off with a sledge hammer. I saw some huge snakes, a lizard steal a cabbage from a tortoise and the biggest crocodile to plague my night mares since lake placid. But well worth a look in if you fancy a fun trip out. There isn't much else to say about day two other than more coffee shops, the euro is rubbish and makes everything more expensive. Also the dutch speak English very very well, better than me in fact so you will have no problem telling them your lost or don't run me over or something useful.
So the last day what other grand things can happen while after trailing through a park in the snow we found the Van goth exhibition which is a plus. Such great works to see made me wonder if you really need museums for such things as you can seem them all in HD on your mac for the price of nothing. Other than snow and lots of hot chocolates and cakes day three had nothing new to offer but still was a fun old time.
I would write more about it but i can't really remember much and am very sleepy. Just come and see for yourself and then forget and come back like Groundhog Day only you don't notice the day has changed.

The ramble is over...

Dreams are funny things. I had one of the strangest dreams i can remember the other night but i won't bore you with the details. All I'm gonna say is it involves a woman giving birth to my child and that child is someone i know who is 10 years older than me and i got this woman by chatting her up using Pokemon. Why all this talk of pointlessness? because that's how i felt when i was watching the Super Bowl half time show. Now the half time show has always been a over exposed explosion of pure wow since it started 45 years ago and we all know that the Americans like to take things to the extreme but in this case it was more the extreme side of rape's ville and talent was the main victim. For a start it was the Black Eyed Peas, who i don't actually mind. At least they are trying new stuff unlike others, I'm looking at your Iron one riff Maiden, which may not always work but it's better than being the same. But although they have many known songs I'd never heard or seen them live until Super Bowl time, and oh my it was indeed a new form of nipple twisting, ball electrocuting, The Wanted watching type of suffering. I even wondered if the whole thing was set up by Al-Qaeda just to get us to support them in their efforts of destroying America. For a start none of them could sing, which is kind of the key of any singer. Kind of like being a builder, i dunno named Bob, and only fixing things. Anyway after the dancing and light show that would make the efforts of Live Earth look like a bit of spit in a local swimming pool, we were treated to a surprise guest. Indeed it was a surprise as it was the JD drinking, drug taking, cigarette smoking Slash but what's this? A Sparkly silver top hat and a badly sung cover of sweet child o'mine by the mannequin looking fergie? Oh Slash what happened too you. You used to be a rock god but that night you looked like a sparkly turd. Anyway what i am trying to point out here is that it seems that like super bowl shows of the past, Prince, Bruce Springsteen and The Who are dead and the advertising big wigs have taken over. But don't be surprised their is only 20 seconds of game before we are told buy something. It seems money is more important than integrity. Oh well it could of been a worse half time show. It's not like Usher turned up and sang an acronym for a song or anything.
Even Satan has his limits. Which is probably why he hasn't brought The Wanted down to hell as even he likes good music. If you haven't heard or seen them then other than being a lucky human being you are missing out on another generic boy band that wants not only your money but your young girls too. It seems this "band" were once again put together in order to just sing shitty songs and make you think they they love you when really all they are after is money and fame. With they stylish hair cuts and man pecks they prance about singing about love when ironically what they are doing to music is the opposite of love. I also hate the term boy band, as really they are just male singers. Like JLS or any of those things they just dance and sing like a bunch of monkeys at a zoo waiting for bananas. So i think we should boycott the term boy band and from now on refer to them as Willy Pokers. If anyone has any other name ideas let me know as I want to really get rid of the term boy band.
Anyway I wanted to post this last night but I couldn't get into my blog at all yesterday so had to reset all my passwords and stuff which was very annoying and made me very angry. Which was annoying because I couldn't get into the blog to write about how angry i was. So here it is. I was FUCKING angry as i haven't changed password or anything but suddenly it didn't work but I got back in and can now annoy the world with my anger. The ramble is over...

Also for a twist here is a stupid video me and a mate made when testing lenses:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hv_UsLvbaqE

@Pippy_Pipatron

Aids isn't funny, look how crap Queen are without Freddy Mercury

Okay readers, are you sitting down? Do you have you tut perfected yet? Well maybe it's time you do and why don't i help you with that by giving you this, wonder of crapness that is my "blog" which this week actually will contain some actual blog. Yes i know blogs are boring and about other peoples lives that are just then i did this and that and now i'm a tramp, which isn't really much fun (well the tramp bit sounds cool) but i can't think of more things to rant of apart from the stuff i already ranted about. So it seems that this weeks rant will be more of a blog than i thought. So i guess i need to just speak as it happened. On Friday me and my friend stayed up all night playing Dead Space 2 which is awesome and if you haven't played it you should. But it was while playing this i thought of something that has tormented many peoples brains for many years now why is Jordon famous? There has been a lot of converstiy about video games. Some say voilent ones cause people to act that way and Dead Space 2 has a lot of this. It infact started its own campgin where it got mothers to play it and say what they thought and of course they hated it and thus it because even more worth buying. But it is not this issue i want to dive into it is the idea of entertainment. Many critics see videos games as nothing more than a waste of time and just a point and shoot with endless explodions and that games are not entertaining at all but then people said 2012 is entertaining. But then 2012 is entertainment in the same way that watching a Monkey fiddle with a baby is. Sure at first you feel wrong for watching it but then you know after a while that you may never see something this bad ever again. Well you hope....
Anyway it is with games like Dead Space 2 that you see that games are no longer just simple pips and pops they are in depth stories with as much power and emotion as any film or TV show. The work that went into this game is amazing they had a whole team just for the lights in order to get them right and make it as scary as possible. Which it is, in fact I hadn't been that scared until i heard Peter Andre was making a New album. Man that was a bad day. The point of all this nonsense is that i love video games and i feel they are as much a form of entertainment as all the other things. Yes some are bad and contain no real plot other than if it moves shot it but some contain real depth and you get really drawn in. Video games have grown up so hopefully so will the critics.
Now a quick word about TV. I've been using the iplayer to watch bits as I'm always out shouting at babies and murdering fruit in order to fill my satisfaction of evil needs. But something i would like add is that Frankie Boyle is a great comdain but remember using the word AIDS in ever sketch for no real reason isn't funny it;s just stupid and has no real reason to be part of most of the sketchs. I mean Aids isn't funny, look how crap Queen are without Freddy Mercury. I Also recommend checking out Episodes. I've only seen the first 2 shows but its really worth seeing just at the value of seeing joey, i mean Matt Leblanc acting with some kind of intelligences for a change. I'm also surprised it's playing in the USA at the same time as it's a very British show and I'm not sure they will get it.
Lastly here is some pure anger. Why the fuck do Lollipop ladies (or men) exist anymore? Can kids not cross the road at a crossing? Now i know what your thinking, of course not, kids can't cross the road by themselves their too young. Well of course that's why their parents take them to school and cross with them so why the bright yellow pedo with a sign telling kids to stop. I'm sure The Sun has done many pages on this type of thing. It's not that i want kids being hit all over the roads before school, well maybe i do, but anyway the point is is that if their parents are with them then why do we need some did standing in the road to let them cross. Why don't we all get a lollipop person when we go to work, in fact when i go to bed in case I'm run down by a shirt or lamp. If they can't learn how to cross the road and that the road is for cars and the pavement is for people then maybe they need more school or maybe just dangle them in the road and pull them out at the last moment before a car hits them so they can see what a bonnet looks like.

Here is  a quick list of what TV has showed me over the last week of what real life is like:
Waterloo Road has taught me all kids are bastards and teachers can't handle these bastards so they too are bastards cause they can't do anything. Bastards!
Episodes has taught me writing comedy for Americans is harder than getting a boner while watching a gay fat person orgy.
Motorway Cops showed the valuable lesson that driving cool but don't drive wrong or your gonna get caught no matter what. Put down that I'm driving. I'm a cop stop driving, now drive, stop again!
And Snog Marry Avoid showed me that even dumb orange coloured whores have to wear at least some string to stop their lunch falling out. This show is definitely something to avoid. It's like the Jeremy Kyle show with taller whores who can use twice as many words as a child.

This word will be amended in 2-5 working days

Here are three things that i do but do not care if others do. First i am a vegetarian and do not care if you eat meat. Second I like watching sports and it's no problem to me if you do or not and third i play video games and could not give a caber toss what people think about that one. Especially as i like to shoot people and watch them bleed and then throw birds and pigs while on the loo. It's either that or try it for real, but then that's the point of fantasy. So when i started hearing about Eastenders (BBC) fans going on about how they will never watch it again, I though nothing less than maybe they've gained life in that brain of theirs. But it turns out that's not the case as the reason no one is watching (if you didn't already know) is because a baby died and then was swapped with another baby and people can't take this as they say this would never happen and portrays mothers badly. Now hold on a second, your saying a soap is showing a series of events that would never happen and there I was thinking that Phil getting addicted to crack was real or that the live episode actually happened which means Bradley is dead and if you enjoyed his slow moving body  dying on the pavement you are a sick freak with a lust for murder. But once again people were quick to complain as if they had their phones on speed dial, ready to tell the BBC off for trying anything that they, the license payer, were unhappy with. Now the problem here is that when watching a soap you have to take the shit with the shit and guess what it's all shit but you watch this show of deep voices and half arsed intercourse as you like to see people whose lives are worse than yours. At least it's not the porn without the sex that is Hollyoaks (C4). Most adults can't even be happy seeing half decent looking 20 somethings acting bad and complaining because they have school tomorrow. But come on even if a 50 year old woman sleeps with her sons best mate whose 20 or Ian does anything other than be a wimpy geeky man whose not to think it's real. Does no one remember when his wife took up comedy? No, of course not you lapped that shit up like a dog on balls but why the fuss now, because a baby was involved as always. But if it was five adults heads being blown apart in a graphic gun battle you'd sit their eyes so wide open you'd think the moon was taking over in some sort of revenge of the moon film, wondering if the character will be back next week after you see their head blow up all over the cameras, which aren't their as remember it's all real. Now if you don't like a story in a soap maybe just see it through if you like the show or wait till it's gone, don't phone up a junkie needing their next fix of joy. Paying your TV license doesn't mean you own the TV shows on it. There are 70'000 people in this Country and we all like different things if you hate something guess what, TURN OVER! This reminds me of a case back in 2003 where the BBC planned to show Jerry Springer The Opera and many Christians burned their licenses saying "we don't pay for this anti god show" no you pay for all the other god loving shows which are boring as hell (which in itself makes no sense as if hell was real it would be busy with a lot of new entries). Thankfully the BBC did the right thing and showed it which i feel was the best move unlike now where they are too scared to do anything in case they get sued, or raped or both. All I'm saying here is on the same vein i can phone up at 6 on a Sunday morning and ask that Songs of praise be taken off the air as it's a waste of my money, but i don't, i just do something else, like sleeping.
Also in the News is the tragic events that in an airport in Moscow Russia a suicide bomber killed 35 people and injured 180 others. So whose to blame for these events? Could the man have a mental history or a trouble passed? Were airport security involved? Well don't worry because Fox News knows why, Video Games and in particular Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 as in this game an already controversial level involves you being a Russian and killing people in an airport. It is unknown if the man played the game at all but does that matter FOX News, cause not. So their you go, cased closed, thanks fox news i guess you also helped with the case of the Italian who takes mushrooms and beats up monkeys and a Blue Hedgehog that is breaking land speed records. Now I don't know if video games cause violence but i feel that if they do the same can 100% be said about film, TV and the news. But they are still up and running? I mean this would mean watching FOX news makes you dumb, hmm maybe need to re-think this. Anyway if a person was inflienced by say a video game or Film it would take a person with a certain kind of mind otherwise everyone would be out their blowing shit up saying DO IT, COME ON DO IT! Also violence has been going on long before video games, infact before media, so it's not a new thing so maybe just maybe it's part of who we are and we need to learn how to control it instead of doing what we always seem to do in any stitition and pass the blame.
Last thing I want say is, no one tweeted me, not one sad and lonely person so i have no list of hated people, so i guess you all hate me and i am the top dog of haters. But as i have no one i shall just pick out a few adverts i hate quickly and maybe someone will give me one person to hate. First i hate the Confused.com advert where they rape and piss over Freddie's body by singing somebody to love, no one loves your company but the top man who gets all the cash. Also does no one find it freaky the woman pulls a mic stand out of her lady area? Where are all those speed dial complainers when you need them. Second is the Shane Warn hairlose advert. While he sits in a chair talking in a This is your life kind of moment i seem to notice that maybe his hair isn't the only thing he's lost. Your going bald get over it don't rub a brush over your head to get that wig like effect. Whats weird is when he tells us that other Cricketers also use this product. Is their a bald curse going around the game, if i were you men (and woman) i'd never play cricket just in case. In fact don't even watch it as it may sneak through the TV into you skull. Lastly is the Waitrose advert which, as all supermarket adverts seems to do at the moment, like to tell me how much cheaper they are than Tesco. "Look this panda is 10p cheaper than at Tesco". Now this is all find and dandy pissing on your compertion in broad daylight in a very American Kind of fashion but it's the small print that got me. It tells us that these prices will be "amended in 2-5 working days" so they will be changed back to the orignal higher prices? What a bunch of cheap ass mother flippers (this word will be amended in 2-5 working days, if you don't have a job that's monday to friday).

If anyone actually wants me to rant about a famous person then tweet me below otherwise just tweet me or.....do something with your life


@Pippy_Pipatron

I Warned You How Crap It Would Be!

This week as been a busy week of absolute pointlessness. I have no real issues i want to chat about so here's what I've got, remember i warned you how crap it would be so don't come shouting at me because i didn't go on about the man who feel in a pond in Canada while texting because he was a highlight.
Well hasn't the News changed a lot over the years? What No? But look at the funky graphics and the swish weather report that's never wrong. In the news it seems that Alcohol is going to cost more and people are unhappy. Some people have been murdered and we get to talk to a guy who once passed the murderer bread 50 years ago and he tells us how he knew by the way he said thank you he really meant murder. Also in the news Elton John has a baby, hmmm hold on what and why? Anyway i don't want to get into the conversation about which one of them is the mum but all i know is they shouldn't have this test tube baby, adopt you gits stop bringing more kids into the world we are full! Also on the NEWS was information that some bint is pregnant with her forth child and some twat is getting a divorce again, if you want to see more head to the Sun newspaper as its filled with this kind of shit! I was looking forward to reading about the Golden Globes in the Sun but instead they were going on about the dresses, which was the best and how Rickey Gervais offend everyone. Wheres the winners, the films that had won? nope just pages of look at this hole and boobs.
But back to one of the stories good old fun filled alcohol, who can remember a good night without it? Anyone? No one? So whats all the who ha you say, its still out their in the taps ready to be sampled in the glass mugs of joy but why in the news. It's because its going up in price and they say it's down to health reasons and there i was thinking it was because they wanted more money. But why is it things like alcohol and cigarettes keep going up for our safety yet we all know how bad they are. It's our own body let us do whatever we want with it. If their that bad ban them you pussy's stop tip toeing around saying what we can and can't do with our own lives. It's like when they go on about petrol destroying the earth why don't they then ban cars, oh wait you don't want to otherwise where will you get all that tax money?  I know make petrol cost 1 million pound a drop and the only way to fill it up is to beat a goat up in a wrestling match onto of a mountain then the planet will truly be saved. Government please remember people need to live we aren't all super rich and can get people to carry us through the traffic on an elephant.
While on the subject of driving, I Hate it, I think it's an overrated expensive journey of anger and showing off. For all you who can't drive or who are learning to drive you may feel driving is very exciting, you may even get all sexual when a friend tells you they will give you a lift but i warn you now after the hours and £1'000 spent learning to turn, go forward, swear at the white man van, avoid the dinosaurs and make it under the windmill you will grow to hate it. Driving is not all fast and fun its mainly slow, dull and getting from A to B as slow as possible. You spend most of the time in traffic or being cut up on motorways which if you think is smooth driving you'd be as wrong as a safe sex advert for Hedgehogs. The roads are full of holes and bumps and you spend most of your time wondering if your car will survive the journey so you can throw up at the end. While your doing all this you get pay out your eyes, ears mouth and nose for petrol that will always go up in price, road tax, insurance, the car, air usage inside the car, the little dice you hang to look cool but end up looking like a dick in a headlight, gnome fees and spare parts for you glee. Everyone on the road thinks they are awesome and that you are a pile of shit and will cut you up, beep if you aren't going more then the speed limit and won't signal at roundabouts cause come on you know where their going. So have fun bleeding out the arse for this overpriced ball of shit. Too bad we all need to do it in order to get to work. woo....................
A show that did make me think this week was the look at Is Oral Sex Safe? The answer, is anything ? The show is hosted by Ray Winstones daughter, you know the guy who wants us to bet on the number of corners in a football game. But it's while watching Jamie Winstone talk about being sexual active that I feel like reaching for a spoon so I can ram it through my eyes, scoop out my brain and throw it down a dildo Forrest. We also meet a man who got the HPV virus, this is the virus which they say is causing cancer and we all have it but a few people can't get rid of it and it triggers cancer,  through what he says is oral sex but also smokes 6/7 a day and has a body full of tattoos, one of which is a poem which sounds like it was written by Dr.Seuss. Winstone later goes on to meet a woman who has and OBE for her research to which she says is "pretty impressive stuff". I feel that her presenting style is much like her dads and the next thing she'll be bumping fists with everyone and calling them geezer while telling us about how we can bet on all the different ways the HPV virus will get us. I'm putting a tenner on anus as I'm told by the OBE woman is our "back passage" and you know how sneaky virus's can be. Now I'm not saying that cancer is not something to think about. It is said one in three of us will get it in our lives so its a big part but the problem with this documentary is it's trying to scare us all into saying don't have any oral sex, in fact don't touch anyone, in fact your fucked anyway just die. Plus the presenting style is so bland and boring you find yourself wondering off to a book and reading up on what the hell this programme is meant to be telling us. Their are so many ways we can die that if you were to worry about all of them you'd never leave the house unless you told them the houses gave you cancer. Before the flood of hate mail begins I am not praising cancer it is horrible and wrong but this programme does nothing but be little us into little children and saying "now kids don't touc each other or you will die. Now here's your bubble wrap clothes go have fun"
Last thing to moan about which also has nothing to do with anything else other than i hate him is Piers Morgan is still alive. Not only this but the former editor of news of the world (i think its this shit it may be other shit so correct me if I'm wrong) has moved to the USA to hose his own chat show. I remember his chat show over here. Piers Morgan meets Cheryl Cole, Yawn, Jordon, Double Yawn, Elton John, ZZZZZZZZ, Hitler. Oh wait that's a mirror. Not really but if only then it might be worth watching as all he seems do is talk about how awesome he is, they are and then who is better which he normally states is him. The only time he failed to win was when Alan Sugar told him he had more money than him oh the lying face of the Morgan melted faster than an ice lolly in an oven. Speaking of his face is like some sort of potato in the process of being made into a pastry and when he smile baby's DIE! so don't make him laugh by telling him celeb gossip you found while hiding in a tree for four days outside them home, which is called journalism but if i did it I'm a freak wheres the line people. He is indeed someone I could see off my T.V as well as Jedward and Jordon but i thought why write about these twats when we all know they suck. So i thought why not Tweet me (as it needs a use) who you hate and why and I'll post it on here to fill up some space and making me do less work. Remember I Warned you!

Tweet at @Pippy_Pipatron