The only thing i can really think of this Christmas that was making my eyes feel like I was down right shitting buckets, was the greatness that is Top of the Pop's (BBC1). It was while watching this you wonder why it ever got canceled in the first place, with its chart music being as addictive to me as a game of stapling things to my nut sac. The show is hosted by the most uncharismatic things I've ever seen. There's a sort of hip hop pedophile and a cabbage patch dole trying to learn human emotion, points for guessing which is which. On this show was the 4 "human's" JLS who have as much emotion in their music as four black Lego men acting in a stage play. Standing their doing all the hand signs that comes with the boy band life style as well as all looking the same and singing about raping woman (the last point may not be true but its seemed to me that was their ultimate goal with the "music"). They should of taken some pointers from their older man group that is Take That, now with added cock. Anyway i have decided that i am going to list the three things that caught my otherwise dreary eyes this Christmas with my bullshit awards, I'm sure i could be in this list but it's only a top three and i didn't want to just list Pier Morgan over and over so its only the last three i thought of.
At number three i am placing Horoscopes into the mix. This has come up after i read a set of them in one of those magazine's aimed at woman with stories like "Alive! But where was my face?" and "I didn't notice his MISSING LEGS" (these are both real stories) from like Heat or Now or Jam or Gosh or Ham Sandwich! The one that restarted my hatred for this bullshit was a hairy egg like man called Jonathan Cainer, who they inform me is the world's most respected astrologer, which is like saying your the most attractive person in a burns unit. It seems he can tell though some unknown power where the stars and planets are and how 1 in 12 people are affected, which i must say is pretty good odds as it makes you wonder why we all aren't feeling and living the same lives. The reason i fine this all to be ultimate tosh is that it seems very unlikely to be true. We know that a person's personality and life are determined by two things, the way they are brought up and the DNA not where the moon is and how far up Junipers arse Saturn seems to be! But what really caught my attention was the way farm fresh Jonathan started to say that it is because two planets were near each other in the year 1993/94 is why we have Justin Bieber being all "talented" and "amazing" and "a complete knob head" which is just total bollocks. He is what he is through hard work and luck not because the moon felt like destroying music just a little bit more. He also says that we can expert more talented 16 years old which they'd better hurry up cause anyone else who appears who isn't talent is just not on your list Jonathan.
The next funbag on my list was going to The Sun newspaper but that is a much more long and useless battle which i will need to do more research on and thus read the "paper" more so maybe in a few years when my mind is at the point where all i can do is stare at boobs and use the word fuck every other sentence. But this then led me to my number Two, football fans. Now i am a football fan before the flood or maybe just trickle of comments that not all football fans are bullshit but the overall image they seem to latch onto, like a pedophile to a school gate is the idea that their team is the best team in the world even if, like me, you support West Ham and they are bottom of the table. Looking around as well you notice that many fans want to fight other fans because they support another team, well isn't that the point? If we all supported the same team it would be the same every week watching one team and then probably fighting the players cause they just need to fight someone. It's also while watching hundreds of "fans" storm a pitch and attack the away supports like a bunch of racists in Germany you notice something. During this you see 10 policemen trying to stop them and then getting accused the next day for not handling the situation when its the people battling to the death in the name of a football game whose fault it is, makes you wonder why we never got the World Cup? The whole football hooliganism that seems to come with English football just seems like excepted nonsense for a start they always use the word WE as in, WE won or WE lost or We've got caught shagging a ex players girlfriend by our wife when really it is they or them. WE are not part of the team, WE don't run the ball up the field and WE don't get paid millions to do so, which brings me onto my next point. Another thing that brainless mongs bring upon themselves to chant as if there some sort of football god is that the players get paid millions to kick a ball and can't win a game which the forget to wonder why. First of all the Premier league is the best football table in England and consists of the best teams so the football playing level is pretty high in the standards. They train all week pretty much 52 weeks a year non stop in order to get to the fitness level needed, so kinda like a full time job. Second of all Sky and many other channels bought the right to cover many of the games in this league giving the clubs a lot more money to use and pay their players and third who pays for it, the fans. When at a game a person has a season ticket, home and away kit, hat, scarf, badge, boxers and willy warmer on and they wonder why they get paid so much look at yourself for a start. Maybe if you think our police and fireman should get paid more you should write to sky asking them to sponsor them and wear you police home kit shouting, COPPERS.
The final Bullshiter of the day is the wonderfully entertaining super fool that is Derek Acorah, who for many years has been talking to the dead and running around shouting in the dark as ghosts just can't stop getting inside of him. Even the late Micheal Jackson couldn't resist channeling his thoughts into this empty minded man whose face looks like a cross between a bull and some melted cheese. But i hear you asking how did he do this. By going to his grave stone? going to his former home? NO by using a hat he once wore many years ago and a place he visited in Ireland for two weeks at some point. On this evidence alone i can't understand why this isn't true fact expect that maybe now he is in a holiday home in Florida channeling me through a tooth pick i left in a bin. He is by far the greatest con artist of our time being up front on TV lying to people all over the world. In one episode he stands up and starts telling them he is channeling a person, possible a man, who may or ma not have been in the armed forces but did work for them, and his name may begin with an E. after a few minuites of no one saying anything someones states they had a uncle called reg who was a mechinic in the army and of course Derek is right thats guy expect it could of been a girl who washed the guns and was nammed boris. the fact that when he talks to the dead he always starts off with little clues liek i'm getting a be, their saying something. if i was dead and wanted to contact my loved ones i would just say something like "i love you all, im at peace" i wouldn't say "give em a B and lets play a game of hang man". Now if you think that I'm just lashing out at a man who once spoke to Michael Jackson he also has channeled a dog, is their no end to his talents. What next he tells us how a squid feels after he's eaten it?
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Televison, But Not As we know it!
Now if like me when the 6 o'clock news rolls around you like to sit like a child at a cabinet of sweets waiting to get your hands on something good. But if you have ever tried to sit and watch channel fives idea of news Live at Studio Five(channel 5) then you know that your brain is no more part of humanity and that you need a heavy dose of Hollyoaks just to remember that it could be worse, or could it?
Live at Studio Five is to news as a knife to groan is to foreplay. It can't decide if Cheryl Cole is amazing or great and if her dress this week on the X-factor is better than last week and if it's not the amuse she having some sort of break down at home and doesn't look more fake than a fight scene in [insert any soap here]. But never fear ITV will save you with it's top shows like The X-Factor (ITV) or Take Me Out (ITV).
If you are unfamiliar with the format of The X-factor where have you been on a Saturday night, out with real human beings learning about important information you could use in your daily life? The show drags in members of the public and abuses them till they find a winner by letting you the public pick your favorite idiot until their given Christmas number one just for laughs. The problem i find is not so much the talent, as some of these people can actually sing, what the down right crap stirrer is that they are abused and used all the way through the final with crazy life treating music as if the most important thing in our lives is to be famous for singing songs because remember its all our dream. But don't worry every paper will follow their every move like how they like fish or how many times they've combed their hair and if they like or love Cheryl, up until their shunned out of the limelight and you never hear of them again. But this is now over so now people will have to get back on with life wondering what to do without this karaoke night TV, maybe buy a real song but then that means getting of the sofa.
Another down right poke you in the nuts and look at our much of a loser this guy is show is Take Me Out where a line of 20 half wit woman pull all their brains together to sum up weather or not they will go on a date with a strange man who turns up with his impressive skills. Some so impressive you may drop you husband in awe at these men like Kung Fu, dancing, midget tossing, cry, looking like a twat and cheating on you with you mum. Some of these may not be their skills but their damn well trying at them. It seems that ITV's entire format is just pointing and laughing at people and then voting off the one they can't stare at any longer than if they were looking at the sun while a tiger is slowly clawing at the genitals to make a new dish.
But its not all gags and trickery on TV some shows are so far beyond clever you end up looking into a black hole of knowledge wondering where your brain has gone. University Challenege (BBC) is a show where the average question is spat on and a group of spotty young people answer questions that no matter how they were written out you'd be asking for a pass or stabbing your eyes out with the pencil. The questions range from difficult to are you mad woman asking contestants sure odd things as where a painter lived, died, was born, saw a toad, ate fish, thought about a woman for the forth time and all must be answered in Greek while spinning in a circle throwing darts at a pig covered if sweets contacting the answers. The show is hosted by Jeremy Paxman a man so smug that every time one of the challengers gets a question wrong he looks at you like you've not only told him you raped his mother but how you did it and that you are infact his father traveling through time raping all of his family and that he is the last one left on your list.
But if all this hurts your mind like an afternoon watching Pier Morgan grin about how rich and great he feels he is then their always time to enter The Gadget Show (Channel 5) competition where they give out more treats than Gary Glitter and a child's party. [Note to self, enter competition as i need 5 TV's]
Live at Studio Five is to news as a knife to groan is to foreplay. It can't decide if Cheryl Cole is amazing or great and if her dress this week on the X-factor is better than last week and if it's not the amuse she having some sort of break down at home and doesn't look more fake than a fight scene in [insert any soap here]. But never fear ITV will save you with it's top shows like The X-Factor (ITV) or Take Me Out (ITV).
If you are unfamiliar with the format of The X-factor where have you been on a Saturday night, out with real human beings learning about important information you could use in your daily life? The show drags in members of the public and abuses them till they find a winner by letting you the public pick your favorite idiot until their given Christmas number one just for laughs. The problem i find is not so much the talent, as some of these people can actually sing, what the down right crap stirrer is that they are abused and used all the way through the final with crazy life treating music as if the most important thing in our lives is to be famous for singing songs because remember its all our dream. But don't worry every paper will follow their every move like how they like fish or how many times they've combed their hair and if they like or love Cheryl, up until their shunned out of the limelight and you never hear of them again. But this is now over so now people will have to get back on with life wondering what to do without this karaoke night TV, maybe buy a real song but then that means getting of the sofa.
Another down right poke you in the nuts and look at our much of a loser this guy is show is Take Me Out where a line of 20 half wit woman pull all their brains together to sum up weather or not they will go on a date with a strange man who turns up with his impressive skills. Some so impressive you may drop you husband in awe at these men like Kung Fu, dancing, midget tossing, cry, looking like a twat and cheating on you with you mum. Some of these may not be their skills but their damn well trying at them. It seems that ITV's entire format is just pointing and laughing at people and then voting off the one they can't stare at any longer than if they were looking at the sun while a tiger is slowly clawing at the genitals to make a new dish.
But its not all gags and trickery on TV some shows are so far beyond clever you end up looking into a black hole of knowledge wondering where your brain has gone. University Challenege (BBC) is a show where the average question is spat on and a group of spotty young people answer questions that no matter how they were written out you'd be asking for a pass or stabbing your eyes out with the pencil. The questions range from difficult to are you mad woman asking contestants sure odd things as where a painter lived, died, was born, saw a toad, ate fish, thought about a woman for the forth time and all must be answered in Greek while spinning in a circle throwing darts at a pig covered if sweets contacting the answers. The show is hosted by Jeremy Paxman a man so smug that every time one of the challengers gets a question wrong he looks at you like you've not only told him you raped his mother but how you did it and that you are infact his father traveling through time raping all of his family and that he is the last one left on your list.
But if all this hurts your mind like an afternoon watching Pier Morgan grin about how rich and great he feels he is then their always time to enter The Gadget Show (Channel 5) competition where they give out more treats than Gary Glitter and a child's party. [Note to self, enter competition as i need 5 TV's]
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
If I Knew What I Was Doing Then I'd Be A Student
Warning: This blog contains swearing, some logic, nonsense, wrongly spelt words and new ones I've made up that you can use to impress the young children with.
As we look back on the tens years of the new millennium we see one thing. No one seems like our government no matter what they do and no one can hate them more than the students whom it seems what to riot and destroy London so they can go to uni and spend their time in bed. i was surprise that they even were up so early let alone missed countdown and the sexless porn that is Hollyoaks. But I hear you cry why, well the clever bosses of the land have decided that in order to make more money student tuition fees should go from around £3'000 a year to a stupidly high £9'000. Which if this is a modern Forrest Gump his mother would be telling him life is like a box of shit, don't get any on your face. This is indeed a good reason to protest and let their voices be heard around the country that this is a idiotic thing to do but they lost the point when they went from adults with a view to little children smashing and burning the streets of London. Now i was a student and like most students who go to university there is a good reason for it, is it to learn and become more knowledgeable or is it the feeling of "oh shit I'm in the real world how can i help put this off and somehow find out what do" and there's university for you. Don't get me wrong I'm sure many people go to actually do something and to learn but i know many who just went oh fuck it and are now teachers which is a good way to spend a degree in a subject you never went out and did in the field but can tell 12 years that their doing it all wrong.
So back to the protests which a lot of people are saying yeah good on them but to me an adult i saying you stupid moronic fools. I now hope they jack up the prices to £20'000 and they have to be taut each lesson in a small dark cardboard by Gary Glitter. I do think the price change was terrible idea by the government but the student went about ti all wrong. no one will take you seriously if your burning down their shop will they? NO and whats worst is the heads of the student councils said it wasn't them it was just people trying cause a problem but they supported them well then your idiots supporting sort moronic behaviour it looked like a after match fight between fans at a west ham mill wall game (which also is a good reason to why we shouldn't get the world cup). As students do they not know of the likes of Ghadi and Aug Sung Sang peaceful protest that were to make a point and not thuggish behaviour that even a child knows is wrong. Your ruined your chances now by not one riot, nor two but three full on attack the police in the face with bricks riots. this then brings the question of the police in which a lot of people seem to think are thugs in their own right well lets say this. If you were a police and about 30'000 students were breaking cars, shop windows and throwing poles at you would you go up to them and tap them on the shoulder and say "stop that now lads its dinner time"?. But because one or too 'inercent' people get attack the police and deemed evil. its hard in sure a mass riot to know whose good or not i most cases they just we defending themselves. I'm sure not all policemen are superheros but at least think about it before you spit on them and shout pigs, their humans just like you and make mistakes just like you....and me of course.
As we look back on the tens years of the new millennium we see one thing. No one seems like our government no matter what they do and no one can hate them more than the students whom it seems what to riot and destroy London so they can go to uni and spend their time in bed. i was surprise that they even were up so early let alone missed countdown and the sexless porn that is Hollyoaks. But I hear you cry why, well the clever bosses of the land have decided that in order to make more money student tuition fees should go from around £3'000 a year to a stupidly high £9'000. Which if this is a modern Forrest Gump his mother would be telling him life is like a box of shit, don't get any on your face. This is indeed a good reason to protest and let their voices be heard around the country that this is a idiotic thing to do but they lost the point when they went from adults with a view to little children smashing and burning the streets of London. Now i was a student and like most students who go to university there is a good reason for it, is it to learn and become more knowledgeable or is it the feeling of "oh shit I'm in the real world how can i help put this off and somehow find out what do" and there's university for you. Don't get me wrong I'm sure many people go to actually do something and to learn but i know many who just went oh fuck it and are now teachers which is a good way to spend a degree in a subject you never went out and did in the field but can tell 12 years that their doing it all wrong.
So back to the protests which a lot of people are saying yeah good on them but to me an adult i saying you stupid moronic fools. I now hope they jack up the prices to £20'000 and they have to be taut each lesson in a small dark cardboard by Gary Glitter. I do think the price change was terrible idea by the government but the student went about ti all wrong. no one will take you seriously if your burning down their shop will they? NO and whats worst is the heads of the student councils said it wasn't them it was just people trying cause a problem but they supported them well then your idiots supporting sort moronic behaviour it looked like a after match fight between fans at a west ham mill wall game (which also is a good reason to why we shouldn't get the world cup). As students do they not know of the likes of Ghadi and Aug Sung Sang peaceful protest that were to make a point and not thuggish behaviour that even a child knows is wrong. Your ruined your chances now by not one riot, nor two but three full on attack the police in the face with bricks riots. this then brings the question of the police in which a lot of people seem to think are thugs in their own right well lets say this. If you were a police and about 30'000 students were breaking cars, shop windows and throwing poles at you would you go up to them and tap them on the shoulder and say "stop that now lads its dinner time"?. But because one or too 'inercent' people get attack the police and deemed evil. its hard in sure a mass riot to know whose good or not i most cases they just we defending themselves. I'm sure not all policemen are superheros but at least think about it before you spit on them and shout pigs, their humans just like you and make mistakes just like you....and me of course.
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