The Whore in a box District

This is what i wrote while i was away in Amsterdam, if none of it makes any sense you have only yourself to blame and maybe drugs. I've added bits and changed it to the pasted tense in order for it to make more sense, enjoy or hate it who cares.....

You'd think that three in the morning would be a good time to be awake. Birds chirping, sun rising and the general feel of peace and quite. But you'd be oh so very wrong. It is an evil time that even milk men are afraid off as they look through their tired crusty milk soaked eyes at a world that looks like it's suffered a zombie apocalypse. But why would I get up at a useless time like this you wonder. Well, i was off to Amsterdam. That's right, the place of a thousand whore's. Where the air is green and the roads are more complex than when Stephen Hawking needs to change his trousers. When you step out into this wonderland from the airport the first thing you notice is bikes, and i mean a lot of bikes. As to the right of the train station we got out of their was a multi story bike park that was packed to the rim nearly spilling the bikes into the canal like an avalanche. but the roads are complected and trying to understand where they are coming from is difficult. They come out of no where like a silent killer, not slowing down at all no matter what form of life is in their way.
Anyway once we had got ourselves through the crystal maze of beautiful buildings we found our lodgings. Four of us stayed above a pizza shake and the others was above a Hagan Dazs. Now another thing that Amsterdam like to forget about is stair safety. As the stairs in both places where tiny (so tiny that i had to walk down the sideways), the celling was lower than a dwarfs cave and the handrail was about as useful as a plaster after you've had your arm ripped off. Once all keys and bags were in the rightful place we hit the town. Well not really hit, more gently pushed ourselves through coffee shops and Aldi. Which by the way is crap here as it is back home and had the most unhappy check out lady who had no change so made us figure it out for her how we should pay. Now the law on the coffee shops is a very strange one. Due to the E.U law on smoking tobacco it is illegal to to smoke it unless it is outside or allowed within the place your staying, much like England. But you are allowed to smoke Marijuana within coffee shops as long as it's stated but not outside. So basically you can smoke as much pot as you like in a cafe, but have a cigarette and your out on your ass! This is by far the most stupid idea ever. How can they allow one without the other. It's like going to a pub and drinking beer but if you want a coke you have to hang outside. If smoking is that bad for you then just ban it don't tip toe around it until the only place left to smoke is in a shed in your own back garden.
Later that night we went to what Amsterdam is famous for The Red Light District or what it should be known as The whore in a box District as that is basically as far as it goes. Woman stand in glass boxes in neon underwear trying to make eye contact with you and leer you in. I couldn't look them in the eye for the fear that i may turn to stone and the fact it was so uncomfortable looking at these woman it made me want to hide in a corner till the pretty lady had gone away. I do not feel their is anything wrong with prostitution. I think it makes perfect sex. I want sex, they want money, sorted! Plus it's legal and safe so you are probably less likely to catch anything from one of their hookers than a girl in a bar. After a two euro sex show and a lot of laughs we headed back up to our shacks and slept ready for day two.
Day two began with a knock on the door at 9am and some tea too which i said fuck off and left it to go cold until i rose at 11! A real time that has real ideas like breakfast and warm tea. After the time had come to take on the day we went to more coffee shops and decided that what we needed was to go to the zoo and that we did! The zoo was amazingly strange, for a start their had seemed to have been a group of old ladies in the area who had knitted the whole place together. It was everywhere, on the fences, hanging from trees even on some of the statues but it did brighten up what was the cold day. The type of cold where you breath ice and when you pee you have to chisel it off with a sledge hammer. I saw some huge snakes, a lizard steal a cabbage from a tortoise and the biggest crocodile to plague my night mares since lake placid. But well worth a look in if you fancy a fun trip out. There isn't much else to say about day two other than more coffee shops, the euro is rubbish and makes everything more expensive. Also the dutch speak English very very well, better than me in fact so you will have no problem telling them your lost or don't run me over or something useful.
So the last day what other grand things can happen while after trailing through a park in the snow we found the Van goth exhibition which is a plus. Such great works to see made me wonder if you really need museums for such things as you can seem them all in HD on your mac for the price of nothing. Other than snow and lots of hot chocolates and cakes day three had nothing new to offer but still was a fun old time.
I would write more about it but i can't really remember much and am very sleepy. Just come and see for yourself and then forget and come back like Groundhog Day only you don't notice the day has changed.

The ramble is over...

Dreams are funny things. I had one of the strangest dreams i can remember the other night but i won't bore you with the details. All I'm gonna say is it involves a woman giving birth to my child and that child is someone i know who is 10 years older than me and i got this woman by chatting her up using Pokemon. Why all this talk of pointlessness? because that's how i felt when i was watching the Super Bowl half time show. Now the half time show has always been a over exposed explosion of pure wow since it started 45 years ago and we all know that the Americans like to take things to the extreme but in this case it was more the extreme side of rape's ville and talent was the main victim. For a start it was the Black Eyed Peas, who i don't actually mind. At least they are trying new stuff unlike others, I'm looking at your Iron one riff Maiden, which may not always work but it's better than being the same. But although they have many known songs I'd never heard or seen them live until Super Bowl time, and oh my it was indeed a new form of nipple twisting, ball electrocuting, The Wanted watching type of suffering. I even wondered if the whole thing was set up by Al-Qaeda just to get us to support them in their efforts of destroying America. For a start none of them could sing, which is kind of the key of any singer. Kind of like being a builder, i dunno named Bob, and only fixing things. Anyway after the dancing and light show that would make the efforts of Live Earth look like a bit of spit in a local swimming pool, we were treated to a surprise guest. Indeed it was a surprise as it was the JD drinking, drug taking, cigarette smoking Slash but what's this? A Sparkly silver top hat and a badly sung cover of sweet child o'mine by the mannequin looking fergie? Oh Slash what happened too you. You used to be a rock god but that night you looked like a sparkly turd. Anyway what i am trying to point out here is that it seems that like super bowl shows of the past, Prince, Bruce Springsteen and The Who are dead and the advertising big wigs have taken over. But don't be surprised their is only 20 seconds of game before we are told buy something. It seems money is more important than integrity. Oh well it could of been a worse half time show. It's not like Usher turned up and sang an acronym for a song or anything.
Even Satan has his limits. Which is probably why he hasn't brought The Wanted down to hell as even he likes good music. If you haven't heard or seen them then other than being a lucky human being you are missing out on another generic boy band that wants not only your money but your young girls too. It seems this "band" were once again put together in order to just sing shitty songs and make you think they they love you when really all they are after is money and fame. With they stylish hair cuts and man pecks they prance about singing about love when ironically what they are doing to music is the opposite of love. I also hate the term boy band, as really they are just male singers. Like JLS or any of those things they just dance and sing like a bunch of monkeys at a zoo waiting for bananas. So i think we should boycott the term boy band and from now on refer to them as Willy Pokers. If anyone has any other name ideas let me know as I want to really get rid of the term boy band.
Anyway I wanted to post this last night but I couldn't get into my blog at all yesterday so had to reset all my passwords and stuff which was very annoying and made me very angry. Which was annoying because I couldn't get into the blog to write about how angry i was. So here it is. I was FUCKING angry as i haven't changed password or anything but suddenly it didn't work but I got back in and can now annoy the world with my anger. The ramble is over...

Also for a twist here is a stupid video me and a mate made when testing lenses:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hv_UsLvbaqE

@Pippy_Pipatron

Aids isn't funny, look how crap Queen are without Freddy Mercury

Okay readers, are you sitting down? Do you have you tut perfected yet? Well maybe it's time you do and why don't i help you with that by giving you this, wonder of crapness that is my "blog" which this week actually will contain some actual blog. Yes i know blogs are boring and about other peoples lives that are just then i did this and that and now i'm a tramp, which isn't really much fun (well the tramp bit sounds cool) but i can't think of more things to rant of apart from the stuff i already ranted about. So it seems that this weeks rant will be more of a blog than i thought. So i guess i need to just speak as it happened. On Friday me and my friend stayed up all night playing Dead Space 2 which is awesome and if you haven't played it you should. But it was while playing this i thought of something that has tormented many peoples brains for many years now why is Jordon famous? There has been a lot of converstiy about video games. Some say voilent ones cause people to act that way and Dead Space 2 has a lot of this. It infact started its own campgin where it got mothers to play it and say what they thought and of course they hated it and thus it because even more worth buying. But it is not this issue i want to dive into it is the idea of entertainment. Many critics see videos games as nothing more than a waste of time and just a point and shoot with endless explodions and that games are not entertaining at all but then people said 2012 is entertaining. But then 2012 is entertainment in the same way that watching a Monkey fiddle with a baby is. Sure at first you feel wrong for watching it but then you know after a while that you may never see something this bad ever again. Well you hope....
Anyway it is with games like Dead Space 2 that you see that games are no longer just simple pips and pops they are in depth stories with as much power and emotion as any film or TV show. The work that went into this game is amazing they had a whole team just for the lights in order to get them right and make it as scary as possible. Which it is, in fact I hadn't been that scared until i heard Peter Andre was making a New album. Man that was a bad day. The point of all this nonsense is that i love video games and i feel they are as much a form of entertainment as all the other things. Yes some are bad and contain no real plot other than if it moves shot it but some contain real depth and you get really drawn in. Video games have grown up so hopefully so will the critics.
Now a quick word about TV. I've been using the iplayer to watch bits as I'm always out shouting at babies and murdering fruit in order to fill my satisfaction of evil needs. But something i would like add is that Frankie Boyle is a great comdain but remember using the word AIDS in ever sketch for no real reason isn't funny it;s just stupid and has no real reason to be part of most of the sketchs. I mean Aids isn't funny, look how crap Queen are without Freddy Mercury. I Also recommend checking out Episodes. I've only seen the first 2 shows but its really worth seeing just at the value of seeing joey, i mean Matt Leblanc acting with some kind of intelligences for a change. I'm also surprised it's playing in the USA at the same time as it's a very British show and I'm not sure they will get it.
Lastly here is some pure anger. Why the fuck do Lollipop ladies (or men) exist anymore? Can kids not cross the road at a crossing? Now i know what your thinking, of course not, kids can't cross the road by themselves their too young. Well of course that's why their parents take them to school and cross with them so why the bright yellow pedo with a sign telling kids to stop. I'm sure The Sun has done many pages on this type of thing. It's not that i want kids being hit all over the roads before school, well maybe i do, but anyway the point is is that if their parents are with them then why do we need some did standing in the road to let them cross. Why don't we all get a lollipop person when we go to work, in fact when i go to bed in case I'm run down by a shirt or lamp. If they can't learn how to cross the road and that the road is for cars and the pavement is for people then maybe they need more school or maybe just dangle them in the road and pull them out at the last moment before a car hits them so they can see what a bonnet looks like.

Here is  a quick list of what TV has showed me over the last week of what real life is like:
Waterloo Road has taught me all kids are bastards and teachers can't handle these bastards so they too are bastards cause they can't do anything. Bastards!
Episodes has taught me writing comedy for Americans is harder than getting a boner while watching a gay fat person orgy.
Motorway Cops showed the valuable lesson that driving cool but don't drive wrong or your gonna get caught no matter what. Put down that I'm driving. I'm a cop stop driving, now drive, stop again!
And Snog Marry Avoid showed me that even dumb orange coloured whores have to wear at least some string to stop their lunch falling out. This show is definitely something to avoid. It's like the Jeremy Kyle show with taller whores who can use twice as many words as a child.