I Warned You How Crap It Would Be!

This week as been a busy week of absolute pointlessness. I have no real issues i want to chat about so here's what I've got, remember i warned you how crap it would be so don't come shouting at me because i didn't go on about the man who feel in a pond in Canada while texting because he was a highlight.
Well hasn't the News changed a lot over the years? What No? But look at the funky graphics and the swish weather report that's never wrong. In the news it seems that Alcohol is going to cost more and people are unhappy. Some people have been murdered and we get to talk to a guy who once passed the murderer bread 50 years ago and he tells us how he knew by the way he said thank you he really meant murder. Also in the news Elton John has a baby, hmmm hold on what and why? Anyway i don't want to get into the conversation about which one of them is the mum but all i know is they shouldn't have this test tube baby, adopt you gits stop bringing more kids into the world we are full! Also on the NEWS was information that some bint is pregnant with her forth child and some twat is getting a divorce again, if you want to see more head to the Sun newspaper as its filled with this kind of shit! I was looking forward to reading about the Golden Globes in the Sun but instead they were going on about the dresses, which was the best and how Rickey Gervais offend everyone. Wheres the winners, the films that had won? nope just pages of look at this hole and boobs.
But back to one of the stories good old fun filled alcohol, who can remember a good night without it? Anyone? No one? So whats all the who ha you say, its still out their in the taps ready to be sampled in the glass mugs of joy but why in the news. It's because its going up in price and they say it's down to health reasons and there i was thinking it was because they wanted more money. But why is it things like alcohol and cigarettes keep going up for our safety yet we all know how bad they are. It's our own body let us do whatever we want with it. If their that bad ban them you pussy's stop tip toeing around saying what we can and can't do with our own lives. It's like when they go on about petrol destroying the earth why don't they then ban cars, oh wait you don't want to otherwise where will you get all that tax money?  I know make petrol cost 1 million pound a drop and the only way to fill it up is to beat a goat up in a wrestling match onto of a mountain then the planet will truly be saved. Government please remember people need to live we aren't all super rich and can get people to carry us through the traffic on an elephant.
While on the subject of driving, I Hate it, I think it's an overrated expensive journey of anger and showing off. For all you who can't drive or who are learning to drive you may feel driving is very exciting, you may even get all sexual when a friend tells you they will give you a lift but i warn you now after the hours and £1'000 spent learning to turn, go forward, swear at the white man van, avoid the dinosaurs and make it under the windmill you will grow to hate it. Driving is not all fast and fun its mainly slow, dull and getting from A to B as slow as possible. You spend most of the time in traffic or being cut up on motorways which if you think is smooth driving you'd be as wrong as a safe sex advert for Hedgehogs. The roads are full of holes and bumps and you spend most of your time wondering if your car will survive the journey so you can throw up at the end. While your doing all this you get pay out your eyes, ears mouth and nose for petrol that will always go up in price, road tax, insurance, the car, air usage inside the car, the little dice you hang to look cool but end up looking like a dick in a headlight, gnome fees and spare parts for you glee. Everyone on the road thinks they are awesome and that you are a pile of shit and will cut you up, beep if you aren't going more then the speed limit and won't signal at roundabouts cause come on you know where their going. So have fun bleeding out the arse for this overpriced ball of shit. Too bad we all need to do it in order to get to work. woo....................
A show that did make me think this week was the look at Is Oral Sex Safe? The answer, is anything ? The show is hosted by Ray Winstones daughter, you know the guy who wants us to bet on the number of corners in a football game. But it's while watching Jamie Winstone talk about being sexual active that I feel like reaching for a spoon so I can ram it through my eyes, scoop out my brain and throw it down a dildo Forrest. We also meet a man who got the HPV virus, this is the virus which they say is causing cancer and we all have it but a few people can't get rid of it and it triggers cancer,  through what he says is oral sex but also smokes 6/7 a day and has a body full of tattoos, one of which is a poem which sounds like it was written by Dr.Seuss. Winstone later goes on to meet a woman who has and OBE for her research to which she says is "pretty impressive stuff". I feel that her presenting style is much like her dads and the next thing she'll be bumping fists with everyone and calling them geezer while telling us about how we can bet on all the different ways the HPV virus will get us. I'm putting a tenner on anus as I'm told by the OBE woman is our "back passage" and you know how sneaky virus's can be. Now I'm not saying that cancer is not something to think about. It is said one in three of us will get it in our lives so its a big part but the problem with this documentary is it's trying to scare us all into saying don't have any oral sex, in fact don't touch anyone, in fact your fucked anyway just die. Plus the presenting style is so bland and boring you find yourself wondering off to a book and reading up on what the hell this programme is meant to be telling us. Their are so many ways we can die that if you were to worry about all of them you'd never leave the house unless you told them the houses gave you cancer. Before the flood of hate mail begins I am not praising cancer it is horrible and wrong but this programme does nothing but be little us into little children and saying "now kids don't touc each other or you will die. Now here's your bubble wrap clothes go have fun"
Last thing to moan about which also has nothing to do with anything else other than i hate him is Piers Morgan is still alive. Not only this but the former editor of news of the world (i think its this shit it may be other shit so correct me if I'm wrong) has moved to the USA to hose his own chat show. I remember his chat show over here. Piers Morgan meets Cheryl Cole, Yawn, Jordon, Double Yawn, Elton John, ZZZZZZZZ, Hitler. Oh wait that's a mirror. Not really but if only then it might be worth watching as all he seems do is talk about how awesome he is, they are and then who is better which he normally states is him. The only time he failed to win was when Alan Sugar told him he had more money than him oh the lying face of the Morgan melted faster than an ice lolly in an oven. Speaking of his face is like some sort of potato in the process of being made into a pastry and when he smile baby's DIE! so don't make him laugh by telling him celeb gossip you found while hiding in a tree for four days outside them home, which is called journalism but if i did it I'm a freak wheres the line people. He is indeed someone I could see off my T.V as well as Jedward and Jordon but i thought why write about these twats when we all know they suck. So i thought why not Tweet me (as it needs a use) who you hate and why and I'll post it on here to fill up some space and making me do less work. Remember I Warned you!

Tweet at @Pippy_Pipatron