Bullshit Awards

The only thing i can really think of this Christmas that was making my eyes feel like I was down right shitting buckets, was the greatness that is Top of the Pop's (BBC1). It was while watching this you wonder why it ever got canceled in the first place, with its chart music being as addictive to me as a game of stapling things to my nut sac. The show is hosted by the most uncharismatic things I've ever seen. There's a sort of hip hop pedophile and a cabbage patch dole trying to learn human emotion, points for guessing which is which. On this show was the 4 "human's" JLS who have as much emotion in their music as four black Lego men acting in a stage play. Standing their doing all the hand signs that comes with the boy band life style as well as all looking the same and singing about raping woman (the last point may not be true but its seemed to me that was their ultimate goal with the "music"). They should of taken some pointers from their older man group that is Take That, now with added cock. Anyway i have decided that i am going to list the three things that caught my otherwise dreary eyes this Christmas with my bullshit awards, I'm sure i could be in this list but it's only a top three and i didn't want to just list Pier Morgan over and over so its only the last three i thought of.
At number three i am placing Horoscopes into the mix. This has come up after i read a set of them in one of those magazine's aimed at woman with stories like "Alive! But where was my face?" and "I didn't notice his MISSING LEGS" (these are both real stories) from like Heat or Now or Jam or Gosh or Ham Sandwich! The one that restarted my hatred for this bullshit was a hairy egg like man called Jonathan Cainer, who they inform me is the world's most respected astrologer, which is like saying your the most attractive person in a burns unit. It seems he can tell though some unknown power where the stars and planets are and how 1 in 12 people are affected, which i must say is pretty good odds as it makes you wonder why we all aren't feeling and living the same lives. The reason i fine this all to be ultimate tosh is that it seems very unlikely to be true. We know that a person's personality and life are determined by two things, the way they are brought up and the DNA not where the moon is and how far up Junipers arse Saturn seems to be! But what really caught my attention was the way farm fresh Jonathan started to say that it is because two planets were near each other in the year 1993/94 is why we have Justin Bieber being all "talented" and "amazing" and "a complete knob head" which is just total bollocks. He is what he is through hard work and luck not because the moon felt like destroying music just a little bit more. He also says that we can expert more talented 16 years old which they'd better hurry up cause anyone else who appears who isn't talent is just not on your list Jonathan.
The next funbag on my list was going to The Sun newspaper but that is a much more long and useless battle which i will need to do more research on and thus read the "paper" more so maybe in a few years when my mind is at the point where all i can do is stare at boobs and use the word fuck every other sentence. But this then led me to my number Two, football fans. Now i am a football fan before the flood or maybe just trickle of comments that not all football fans are bullshit but the overall image they seem to latch onto, like a pedophile to a school gate is the idea that their team is the best team in the world even if, like me, you support West Ham and they are bottom of the table. Looking around as well you notice that many fans want to fight other fans because they support another team, well isn't that the point? If we all supported the same team it would be the same every week watching one team and then probably fighting the players cause they just need to fight someone. It's also while watching hundreds of "fans" storm a pitch and attack the away supports like a bunch of racists in Germany you notice something. During this you see 10 policemen trying to stop them and then getting accused the next day for not handling the situation when its the people battling to the death in the name of a football game whose fault it is, makes you wonder why we never got the World Cup? The whole football hooliganism that seems to come with English football just seems like excepted nonsense for a start they always use the word WE as in, WE won or WE lost or We've got caught shagging a ex players girlfriend by our wife when really it is they or them. WE are not part of the team, WE don't run the ball up the field and WE don't get paid millions to do so, which brings me onto my next point. Another thing that brainless mongs bring upon themselves to chant as if there some sort of football god is that the players get paid millions to kick a ball and can't win a game which the forget to wonder why. First of all the Premier league is the best football table in England and consists of the best teams so the football playing level is pretty high in the standards. They train all week pretty much 52 weeks a year non stop in order to get to the fitness level needed, so kinda like a full time job. Second of all Sky and many other channels bought the right to cover many of the games in this league giving the clubs a lot more money to use and pay their players and third who pays for it, the fans. When at a game a person has a season ticket, home and away kit, hat, scarf, badge, boxers and willy warmer on and they wonder why they get paid so much look at yourself for a start. Maybe if you think our police and fireman should get paid more you should write to sky asking them to sponsor them and wear you police home kit shouting, COPPERS.
The final Bullshiter of the day is the wonderfully entertaining super fool that is Derek Acorah, who for many years has been talking to the dead and running around shouting in the dark as ghosts just can't stop getting inside of him. Even the late Micheal Jackson couldn't resist channeling his thoughts into this empty minded man whose face looks like a cross between a bull and some melted cheese. But i hear you asking how did he do this. By going to his grave stone? going to his former home? NO by using a hat he once wore many years ago and a place he visited in Ireland for two weeks at some point. On this evidence alone i can't understand why this isn't true fact expect that maybe now he is in a holiday home in Florida channeling me through a tooth pick i left in a bin. He is by far the greatest con artist of our time being up front on TV lying to people all over the world. In one episode he stands up and starts telling them he is channeling a person, possible a man, who may or ma not have been in the armed forces but did work for them, and his name may begin with an E. after a few minuites of no one saying anything someones states they had a uncle called reg who was a mechinic in the army and of course Derek is right thats guy expect it could of been a girl who washed the guns and was nammed boris. the fact that when he talks to the dead he always starts off with little clues liek i'm getting a be, their saying something. if i was dead and wanted to contact my loved ones i would just say something like "i love you all, im at peace" i wouldn't say "give em a B and lets play a game of hang man". Now if you think that I'm just lashing out at a man who once spoke to Michael Jackson he also has channeled a dog, is their no end to his talents. What next he tells us how a squid feels after he's eaten  it?