"Yes I still want to be with this person I've been with for the last few years"

Well here it is. The blog you knew was coming because it's Friday soon but not a normal Friday, No. One where the whole world cares about two strangers they don't know getting married. They then film it too show all over the world and call it the greatest event in the world and say "look love isn't dead" as they shove a Royal Wedding Flag kit in your face and say "That'll be £19.99". Yes it's the Royal Wedding 2011 this year in HD and pointlessness is at an all time high as we are all told that it's the most magical event ever. My main problem with it is that since it was announced the News world has been happy to pour out absolute shit about the couple until you feel like you know more about the event than even they do. Much like the world cup, the build up to the event is unimaginable and once it happens lasts a few seconds and all the excitement is over and everyone is left feeling slightly empty like a milk float at 1pm. What ring will she wear, what dress, shoes, whose coming, why someone isn't going, what time is it, how many squirrels will be allowed in, on a scale of one to ten how happy will they be afterwards and so on. But all this dribble just for a 30 minute bullshit of "Yes I still want to be with this person I've been with for the last few years" then it's all over and the 8'000 different camera crews can fight too the death to get a good shot of the couple walking outside in the rain. One thing that is annoying the hell out of me is that we are being told that it's the biggest Wedding of the year but I'm pretty sure if anyone who reads this (the small amount that is one person) who is getting married that they feel their day is the biggest Wedding in their eyes. So maybe they should stop shoving it into our faces about what we think is great and what we think is not.
My main anger at the whole thing is marriage itself. Unless you are a religious person and therefore want to get married under your God then getting married is pointless as it makes no difference to the relationship that your in other than stating too strangers you are taken which doesn't matter anyway as people still have affairs and 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. You basically take a relationship you have been in for the past 5 years and change NOTHING about it. People always say that then you become more committed but are you not committed when your with the person in the first place. Can you cheat away like a whore but as soon as the golden ring of justice is placed upon your finger you have to cut off all ties? No, it's stupid and what makes the Royal Wedding more stupid is that people get married all the time that you don't know so why care about these two. Is it because they are Royal's? Most likely, but they will never actually have any real power as that's why we vote and have a government otherwise go back to the 15th century and be ruled by a King or Queen. Plus it's costing us, the tax payer, to fund this event. I mean they could pay for it themselves but they don't have jobs. Anyway I'll stop now before i explode with pure anger and my big bloody head is left dripping off my iMac. 
As for pointless stories, The Sun has (as always) become king of the useless with it's exclusive "Kate's naked wedding fear" as this is an important story that we all must know otherwise how will we coupe with the mundane day to day of our lives if we didn't know that Kate thinks she will be naked during the wedding and thus helping to make the average Sun reader interested. Even using pictures of half naked woman to help get across the idea of what a naked woman might look like just to help the story reach it's audience. But then you switch on ITV News and they have a story where a school did a mock up wedding where two kids got married. Now i don't know why this is News or if they are actually married but, they better be as I've seen it on the TV and thus it must be true. So if they aren't married then ITV has lied and it is all a big sham and we shall riot in the streets until there love is taken seriously! But the craziest thing i have seen other than the thousand of people camping since Monday in order to get a place in the street to see it and the ridiculous amount of Mugs and plates with the couples face on, is the betting you can do. Now i work in a betting shop and i looked up what you could bet on. My oh my, it is beyond sad that people would actually care this much about an event that doesn't mean A thing to anyone that they would bet on it, other than the Royal Family themselves who could make a few extra quid on the side. So here are my Top Ten Bet's you can place on the wedding:

10: 50/1 - An Objection Made during the service
09: 33/1 - Gold (Colour of Queens hat)
08: 38/1 - Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven (First Dance)
07: 2/5 - Less than 30 million (views on both BBC/ITV)
06: 6/1 - Lilly Allen to get last minute invite
05: 100/1 - The Archbishop to request a toilet break during the wedding
04: 200/1 - Michael Barrymore (First celebrity to be shown at wedding)
03: 10/1 - Prince Philip to be seen asleep during service
02: 100/1 - Chas & Dave (Which couple will be seen first)
01: 50/1 - "They were on a break" (What will Huw Edwards say first)

Now get betting folks. For this quick day will help to blind you from the wars and lack of cash and other such things that are going on. Send angry tweets to @Pippy_Pipatron

A collection of home movies about your Granddad that even you've been framed wouldn't touch

While surfing the channels at an unholy time of 10 o'clock I flickered past all the fun filled morning TV. BBC had Homes under hammer, which is where a giant hammer employed by the BBC crushes the homes of unpaid license holders (this is of course not true as there are no hammers big enough, it's just another boring auction program with homes). The ITV was offering it's usual fun filled point and laugh show that is Jeremy Kyle. Where mongoloids from the planet retard come on and complain to the lord Kyle for praise and hope he will get the partner a job and tell them that one of the nine babies is there's. But I then landed on the channel that should not be named that is channel 5 which every weekday morning is filled with the should be radio show called The Wright Stuff, hosted by Matthew Wright the ex showbiz journalist from The Sun and The Daily Mirror. The show basically uses 10 minutes between the adverts to discuss a topic some of which are very important "Should we have assisted suicide in the UK" some of which are so boring you start to wish there was assisted suicide "Should girls be allowed in Scouts". But with all of the topics it never actually has an answer it just hoovers around like a bad smell waiting for a phone call that disagrees with the panel and they collapse like a Jenga set as you pull out the bottom piece. It's not that they don't have interesting topics it's just there is little time to actually discuss them with real fact and depth but at least they try hard and do get both sides of the argument if possible unlike the Alan Titchmarsh show, which is just a collection of home movies about your Granddad that even you've been framed wouldn't touch. Watching him woo the garments off the over 60's with his gardening skills really does make you vomit in your own mouth until he then whips out his guest and plugs whatever shit their selling, claiming it's the best thing since flowers even though you know he has no idea who they are. "Oh yes, Lady Gaga, I Love her telephone and Poker Face. Love me people please I've only got one skill but somehow I'm hosting a topical show for the blind" (of course also untrue as even blind people have standards). 

But much like the light hearten debuts of The Wright Stuff they bring on 3 guests to discuss a topic which is again okay on a show like this to chat on end about The Royal wedding and famous peoples shoes because this is all pointless banter that even dogs wouldn't stop licking there balls for. But it's when they decide to try and tackle real issues that the show twists your nipples to you can't take no more. I remember one episode where they were asking should Prisoners be allowed to vote. They had 3 guests to talk about the subject one being an ex prisoner who was stating his point that prisoners are people too and serve sentence for the crime they commit and as they will be coming out into the world why shouldn't they be allowed to vote whose in charge of there rights. As it states we are all legally allowed to vote as part of our rights. Which is a fair point to bring up, has logic and fact behind it. Weather you agree with it or not it still is a fair point and should be spoke with in an adult manner unlike Alan's other guest twatty McBigMouth (Ex News of The World and Sun Editor Nick Ferrari) who just started ranting like an angry mother saying well criminals are no longer people, what about hard working people who obey the law and think of the children. Which may have been great points if he'd actually put them into a human sentence rather than a Hitler style rally speech for the crowd to just lap up like hungry wolves. Then, as with The Wright Stuff, we've out of time and Alan will jump to some unrelated topic. "Okay, thank you for coming on the show and any views on this topic please visit our website. But now we have some cute little puppy's and some trees I'm going to cut into the shape of the British Flag", leaving the topic neither here nor their but just making the prisoner look like a fool as he's no with the crowd and part of the Titchmarsh gang. I feel that these show would benefit better if they left actual debate about the world to adults and carried on chatting about Jordon and other useless rubbish till they all march to Switzerland and decide to end it all in the name of Pop culture or a Bee or whatever is fashionable for the five seconds before the needle frees up some more car parking spaces outside Homebase.

Also Tweet away (To anyone actually reading this mass of misspellings) to @Pippy_Pipatron

Hosted by what can only be described as a seal on crack

It seems that the one thing that T.V is trying to push down our throats is food and when their not telling us what to eat it's how we should make the food. Weather it's to make it more crunchy or add more dry goose it seems the food critics of the world are never happy. In fact no matter what channel you look at their will be some sort of gluttony based stuffing where they have to impress people with their cooking skills either to guests, under a time limit, to critics, for the Prime Minster, under a hammer, through a key hole and even inside the animal they are severing. It's just becoming over top sneering where people who think they know how food should be look down at people going, "oh it lacks that such and such of flavour" It's food eat it if it's nice you think McDonalds is selling millions because it's bursting with flavour? I actually heard someone say on Master Chef (BBC1) about one of the contestants "he's cooked for famous people" as this means he therefore know how to cook better than anyone else? Famous people still eat food like the rest of use they haven't got higher taste pallets. I don't see Jordon rolling into the Fat Duck and asking for a course of Creme De Mon, do you? It's only when you look at John Torode and Gregg Wallace that you feel like your being ruled by evil over lords as they cast the loser into the fiery pits of hell. I bet these two would complain about beans on toast because the beans weren't red enough.
But with all shows there is one that just goes so far over the top it is now back at the bottom. Iron Chef (C4) is beyond cooking and now in the realms of epic cooking war. Starting in Japan and then moving to the USA it soon took over the top T.V to Narnia with AHHHH's and COOKING!!! Then landed it's way onto U.K T.V, hosted by what can only be described as a seal on crack, Olly Smith. Whom if was to consume cocaine would explode if he saw an onion as it would be way to much excitement for his food hungry little eyes.The show battles teams against "iron chefs" who are like warriors in the field of cooking. But each episode their is crazy Japanese man who stands on a plinth shouting commands at the cooks mainly the main ingredient today will be...ONIONS and it's done in an x factor shock kind of way panning left, then right, then close-up then back to the Japanese man's eye and then the onions and now Olly's perverted veggie fetish. It takes cooking drama to a whole new level that even if Jesus was to turn up and turn the water into wine he'd still lose to the Iron Chef who made a Duck shot lasers out his ass!
Another common food program a la trend is the voting system and one of the most popular of all these shows in Come Dine With Me (C4) where a group of people cook meals for each other over a week (5 days, not a full week, a working week, shut up you get it) and each host for the evening invites this group of madly critical strangers into their home. They cook them 3 courses and after the night of high drinking and snobbery they vote while being driven home by a mystery taxi driver, who I'm going to call Vlad. While Vlad is driving them home they vote out of ten what they thought of they meal with whatever sober thoughts they can muster and the winner by the end of the week wins £1000 and 4 new friends. The guests range from absolute knobs to confused badgers looking for glimmers of hope in an otherwise ruined society but always hungry. Some weeks you'll see the uncomfortable i fancy them and they think I'm a troll or the other common theme which is i hate them and they hate me which courses most of the shows point. the cooking itself is about 10% of it and the main draw of the show is the people the drag off the bus to sit and eat. A kind of Master Chef Big Brother. But the shows main attraction is the dry humored voice over Dave Lamb who make's more fun of the guest than they do of themselves. Therefore making the program bearable and then being the star. Except for Vlad who should have a spin of show, Come Taxi With Me where he gets previous Come Dine With Me losers to drive him about for a change while he rates their driving out of ten, Including a Le mans style race, circus stunt driving course and driving while on fire. "Oh a bit raw, i give it a 6"

Look at the complex structure of a Badger or Jeremy Kyle

Now I didn't really know what to write about this week so i thought I'd talk about what I've been learning over the last few weeks, you might be surprised with what I've learned. First of all I have to say that the other day I was watching Glee with my girlfriend and for lets say the first episode i really hated it. Bile came out my nose at the pure Disney like frolicking of those nit wits and the only storyline used was, is he still gay? But when i got round to episode two and saw a cover of singing in the rain i must say it got me. I loved it and unfortunately for the rest of my soul I watched and enjoyed the rest of the show. Once you get over the ultimately pain staking poor attempt at a plot line and over the top joy that these absolute losers have you really start to gain interest in their pointless lives and really wish you could have stood out as much as them even though you didn't own a wheel chair.
I have also had a lot of change of heart about God, i have been for all my life a non believe in the way, the truth and the light as I was using fact instead of belief but no more. Once i fully read and understood the true meaning of God (and by God i mean the Christian sense, i mean come on the other gods are obviously wrong, an elephant that's an animal not a god) I could see that I have been wrong all these years as it all make logical sense. Jesus died for our sins in order to impress his dad up in heaven because God couldn't just forgive us without brutality letting his son get murdered for his own pleasure because then we'd never have the stories to pass on to our children, like Button Moon. Plus the story of Noah putting every single animal on a boat of wood and they didn't eat other just hay or some magic beans. This story really speaks to the modern lifestyle with the fuel prices being so high. Then the idea of heaven and hell being an eternal life of happiness or pain depending if Justin Beiber goes their is of course sense. I mean I was a vegetation but no more as now i know they don't go to heaven because they weren't made in the image of god. So hahaha dogs you have nothing but us special humans have everything in your faces. So just plough through a fox next time it gets in front of your car. But of course God knows this as he made them because look at the complex structure of a badger or Jeremy Kyle only a God would be proud of such things.
But the most amazing of all discoveries this week is how life has just become the ultimate gift. Watching babies laughing as the punch their bothers. Chavs stealing goods from shops and shouting the C word at you from their cars of pure amazement because if it doesn't have rims and sparkle then it's just not cool. Watching God throw large amounts of water at the Japanese really brings a tear too your eye when you think, thank you god for not flushing me into the death toilet, then seeing on the news a little girl being shot in London you can't help but smile. Then you drive off in happiness and a white van man cuts you up and drives like the plank he was meant to be and we all just laugh and smile like the class of Glee because Glee is real life people and if you are not like that you are just abnormal. Even ugly outcasts are pretty and can sing in pure harmony i mean you can't? Then god made you wrong, you should write and angry letter of complaint or at least smoke signals. Hmm this has kinda trailed off but as I stated before I had nothing to go on with so i just wrote and that's what you get, don't get upset it's free to read you could of stopped half way, but you were just waiting to see if i said something like April fools or Cat Balls well now i have HAPPY. Good anyway Happy Friday and PHADcast for the WIN!

@Pippy_Pipatron