See if they'd hide all the spoons

I like nothing more than to relax in a hot steamy bath while reading a good book. The hot water relaxing my muscles making my body sweat out fat that drips down me like that of a McDonald's milkshake. I need resting most weekends, but after this weekend I am in need of some serious relaxation after the world didn't end.
As most people are probably aware of at the time of writing this, the rapture was on the 21st Of May 2011. This weekend was meant to be the rapture, the end of the world, the goodbye to work and hello to fire but of course it never happened. Why did it never happen you ask? Was God feeling nice, did he just want too keep Justin Beiber on Earth a little longer or was it a giant money making scheme, who can tell. All i know is the bath helped Monday morning.
A few weeks before the decided date at 6pm on Saturday a man by the righteous name of Harold Camping predicted the end of the world. I'm sure your wondering how did he predicted such an event. Mathematical calculations? Astrology? A Ouija board? Nope he just read the Bible and guested that's how. Now this wouldn't be much of a shame if he was the only one doing it, standing in a wheat field with a cone on his head but it seems the whole world believed this man. A reported 200 million followed O'Holy Harold who also predicted the end of the world in 1994 but erm well we won't mention that will we.
This time Harold came prepared with money, lots of money. Sent to him by his sheep like idiots, I mean followers which he spent on Billboards and signs telling everyone to wave goodbye to Sunday morning because God's doing a recall.
Now its not the fact that Mr camping looks like a shaved ball sac and having the emotional expressions of a dead haddock that makes me hate him. Its his overall scheme that makes me want to get him and Derek Acroa in a room and compare there giant wards of cash. It makes you want to start a cult of your own just to help pay the bills. In fact I might start my own where we all follow the clouds, as these are the tears of the damned and by giving my money and sitting in a bin every Thursday you too can save them and not end up a cloud of thought.
Its also the fact you can not win with these people. As the event clearly didn't happen then you would think they would dis-believe in God or at least the crazed cult of Harold but no they all claimed that God is once again testing us and is letting us live. Which on the same logic I can state that tomorrow I'm going to murder everyone in the world with just a spoon and then come Saturday state I wasn't going to do it I was just testing everyone too see they'd believe me.
I feel sorry for the kids of the family who gathered together to be sucked away into dust when all they wanted to do was play. But oh well now they can keep on living without anymore worries. Except that their parents don't have jobs. As it seems many left theirs. Why? Who knows, maybe because if you were gonna die anyway you'd quite your job just to be safe in case they want you back in on Monday.
But in all this darkness and ugly faced lying there was a happy side. An atheist and entrepreneur from New Hampshire, got a rise in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured.
He had more than 250 clients who are paying up to $135 (£83) to have their pets picked up and cared for after the rapture. He then told the Wall Street Journal like a genius that his clients would be let down twice come Monday, "Once because they weren't raptured and again because I don't do refunds." Now is a clever business scheme. Bath anyone?

Wow that bucket really can't hold no more......

Once again it's Saturday. Time off for most people to sit back and relax with the one's they love. Maybe get a take away or cook a nice family meal then still down in front of the TV and watch some good old Saturday night TV.  Thus the joyful night of love ends as once again it's filled with buckets so full of shit that the overflowing fluid of muck has leaked all over the rest of the media making a giant shit sandwich of programming joy. Mainly it is ITV bringing back some shows so useless that each year you find yourself waiting for it all to end just so you can turn your TV on again without fear of total damnation. What I am referring to is the X-factor spin off that is Britain's Got Talent (ITV), which it seems it has in small amounts. There are genuine talented people out there. Singers, dancers and even woman who can command their dogs but its the unrelenting amount of losers that makes the show really unappealing. It's more cringe factor when they happily broadcast these people on national TV in front of millions. While being mocked by an emotionless doll, a washed up bad actor and a unfunny comedian who find pleasure in telling other people that they are crap and pointing and laughing till the person implodes into themselves form a black hole of disspear. It wouldn't be so bad if you knew that it was live or the acts had been seen before but in order to get on TV they have too go through one or two attentions. Making you relize that the producers full well know they suck but feel it would be better to pretend they are great and let them make a big fool of themselves for our amusement. "Oh My god they are so bad, this is soul destroying. Put them on after the toast guy". The list of 'talent' this year really is depressing. A man who makes a picture out of toast, a dancing dog, an autistic boy who can dance (well i have no idea as i know nothing about dancing but everyone else clapped and cheered so i guess he must be), many many half naked woman to which the Hoff loved, a JLS wannabe group who couldn't sing (but got through) and a French dancer man who was by far the best thing on the show so far (so the best talent from Britain's from France then? Is that allowed? What's the point of the show being called Britain's got talent) all of which go through to the next round. A man who thought he could break dance did not get through. But after they did the heart to heart story of how he's always wanted to dance and then he shows he can't and we laugh at him and his efforts. It makes you be glad your not him, ha ha look at him, trying in life, fool. Also do these people not have friends who tell them to their faces they are rubbish maybe before they go on TV? I know I wouldn't want to go on a show like that before asking others. I hope their 'friends' are happy they lied and said they were good because it's all your fault they went and believed and got put down and will probably be deeply scared by the whole event.
Then there is the judges, Amanda Holden, David Hasselhoff and Michael McIntyre who all have their own technique in dealing with the contestants. Amanda Holden has this doll like ability to not show any form of emotion, much like Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings, so knowing if she approved of an act or not is hard to say from her facial expressions. So you have to relay on her buzzer going on off or some of the words she squeezes out of her plastic face. But even then it's hard to tell as she hardly says no unless its no but i still think your amazing. Then there is David Hasselhoff, the 58 year old drunk who never seems to know whats going on. But if the contestant is a young lady in barely any clothes they already have his vote. As he stares like a pedophile outside a school gate as they dance around and jiggle. It makes you wonder why it's okay for him to do it but if he was to act the same at a secondary school he'd be locked in jail as a pedophile and get buggered by K.I.T. Last of all there is McIntyre who tries to bring an element of humor to show, which i thought was Hasslehoff's job I mean look at him ha ha he's speaking again, with his brand of this is an orange but at home it's called a banana and that's a funny difference, watch my face move kind of humor. I find him so unfunny I guess that's why he fits into this whole mess of a show. Even Simon Cowell doesn't want to watch it anymore. He can now wait while the money pours in from this God awful show while he conspires in his evil lair building a rocket that will destroy the sun. But don't worry because once B.G.T end's you can relax and enjoy Pier Morgans Life Stories.......Wow that bucket really can't hold no more......