The Whore in a box District

This is what i wrote while i was away in Amsterdam, if none of it makes any sense you have only yourself to blame and maybe drugs. I've added bits and changed it to the pasted tense in order for it to make more sense, enjoy or hate it who cares.....

You'd think that three in the morning would be a good time to be awake. Birds chirping, sun rising and the general feel of peace and quite. But you'd be oh so very wrong. It is an evil time that even milk men are afraid off as they look through their tired crusty milk soaked eyes at a world that looks like it's suffered a zombie apocalypse. But why would I get up at a useless time like this you wonder. Well, i was off to Amsterdam. That's right, the place of a thousand whore's. Where the air is green and the roads are more complex than when Stephen Hawking needs to change his trousers. When you step out into this wonderland from the airport the first thing you notice is bikes, and i mean a lot of bikes. As to the right of the train station we got out of their was a multi story bike park that was packed to the rim nearly spilling the bikes into the canal like an avalanche. but the roads are complected and trying to understand where they are coming from is difficult. They come out of no where like a silent killer, not slowing down at all no matter what form of life is in their way.
Anyway once we had got ourselves through the crystal maze of beautiful buildings we found our lodgings. Four of us stayed above a pizza shake and the others was above a Hagan Dazs. Now another thing that Amsterdam like to forget about is stair safety. As the stairs in both places where tiny (so tiny that i had to walk down the sideways), the celling was lower than a dwarfs cave and the handrail was about as useful as a plaster after you've had your arm ripped off. Once all keys and bags were in the rightful place we hit the town. Well not really hit, more gently pushed ourselves through coffee shops and Aldi. Which by the way is crap here as it is back home and had the most unhappy check out lady who had no change so made us figure it out for her how we should pay. Now the law on the coffee shops is a very strange one. Due to the E.U law on smoking tobacco it is illegal to to smoke it unless it is outside or allowed within the place your staying, much like England. But you are allowed to smoke Marijuana within coffee shops as long as it's stated but not outside. So basically you can smoke as much pot as you like in a cafe, but have a cigarette and your out on your ass! This is by far the most stupid idea ever. How can they allow one without the other. It's like going to a pub and drinking beer but if you want a coke you have to hang outside. If smoking is that bad for you then just ban it don't tip toe around it until the only place left to smoke is in a shed in your own back garden.
Later that night we went to what Amsterdam is famous for The Red Light District or what it should be known as The whore in a box District as that is basically as far as it goes. Woman stand in glass boxes in neon underwear trying to make eye contact with you and leer you in. I couldn't look them in the eye for the fear that i may turn to stone and the fact it was so uncomfortable looking at these woman it made me want to hide in a corner till the pretty lady had gone away. I do not feel their is anything wrong with prostitution. I think it makes perfect sex. I want sex, they want money, sorted! Plus it's legal and safe so you are probably less likely to catch anything from one of their hookers than a girl in a bar. After a two euro sex show and a lot of laughs we headed back up to our shacks and slept ready for day two.
Day two began with a knock on the door at 9am and some tea too which i said fuck off and left it to go cold until i rose at 11! A real time that has real ideas like breakfast and warm tea. After the time had come to take on the day we went to more coffee shops and decided that what we needed was to go to the zoo and that we did! The zoo was amazingly strange, for a start their had seemed to have been a group of old ladies in the area who had knitted the whole place together. It was everywhere, on the fences, hanging from trees even on some of the statues but it did brighten up what was the cold day. The type of cold where you breath ice and when you pee you have to chisel it off with a sledge hammer. I saw some huge snakes, a lizard steal a cabbage from a tortoise and the biggest crocodile to plague my night mares since lake placid. But well worth a look in if you fancy a fun trip out. There isn't much else to say about day two other than more coffee shops, the euro is rubbish and makes everything more expensive. Also the dutch speak English very very well, better than me in fact so you will have no problem telling them your lost or don't run me over or something useful.
So the last day what other grand things can happen while after trailing through a park in the snow we found the Van goth exhibition which is a plus. Such great works to see made me wonder if you really need museums for such things as you can seem them all in HD on your mac for the price of nothing. Other than snow and lots of hot chocolates and cakes day three had nothing new to offer but still was a fun old time.
I would write more about it but i can't really remember much and am very sleepy. Just come and see for yourself and then forget and come back like Groundhog Day only you don't notice the day has changed.